Title: Fear of Flying
Series: Yes - the second in the Conversations series, sequel to 'Conversations'
Genre: New Professionals.
Archive: Jon's New Professionals archive, my own webpage http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~alys4/bunnies
, Britslash and Rareslash
Spoilers/Warnings: No spoilers, and no warnings
Summary: Sam's take on events in 'Conversations'
Feedback: Yes please, to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Constructive criticism welcome, flames will be used to melt chocolate, and we all know what I'll
do with that :)
Disclaimers: They belong to Brain Clements and David Wickes Productions.
They don't belong to me - if they did we all know what they'd be doing. I
don't make any money from this. I have nothing but my own warped imagination and therefore I'm not worth suing. :)
Kudos: Many thanks to my excellent beta Clare.
Fear of Flying
My partner made a pass at me tonight. I'm not sure quite how it happened,
and to say that it took me by surprise would be an understatement. All I
know is that one minute we were having a nice, normal Saturday evening talk
about nothing in particular, and the next minute he's kissing me. No,
that's not strictly accurate. We weren't having our normal conversation.
We'd swapped amusing stories about our lives before we met, reminisced
about some of the things we'd done and we were drunk enough to start
talking about our love lives, or lack thereof, and then Chris tells me that
he's been insane enough to fall in love. That's Chris though. Leaps in to
everything without considering the consequences, and that includes life.
So Chris told me that he'd fallen for someone, and that's why his
girlfriend dumped him. Michelle? Maddie? I can't remember her name, but
then that's not important really. His relationships tend to last as long
as mine do, in other words not long at all. I tried to be sympathetic, not
my strong point I'll admit, but I tried. Told him he should tell who ever
it is. Even made a joke of it. 'Grab her and kiss her,' I said. Only it
was me he grabbed and kissed.
I had no idea that Chris was gay, although I suppose the correct term would
be bisexual. He was married after all. Only, I don't know what happened.
I presume divorce, although he's never mentioned it. I only found out he
was married recently. Maybe she found out he was gay...
Does it really matter what happened? Something obviously did, and two
years after becoming my partner, he tells me he loves me. Well, he doesn't
tell me exactly, but let's just say that I've been left in no doubt that he
meant me. After he kissed me, I half expected him to turn it into a joke.
It's the kind of stupid trick Chris would pull. But when I pulled away
from him and saw his face I realised that he wasn't joking. He had that
look on his face, the one that tells you someone has realised that they've
made a terrible mistake. I didn't handle it well. You think that in my
job I'd be more adaptable to what life throws at you wouldn't you. But
that was a curve ball I hadn't expected, and I got good and mad.
I can't figure out whether I'm angry because he kissed me, or angry because
I had no idea that he wanted to. How could I work with this man and have
no idea about what goes on in his mind? I knew we were close, but this?
Backup's glaring at me again. Chris is either asleep or passed out in the
window seat, so I'm getting the full treatment. She knows we're both
pissed as newts, and she definitely does not approve. For Christ's sake,
we were off duty. We weren't even on stand-by. If we had been she'd have
a right to be annoyed. Anyone would think the woman didn't have a social
life, and yet she seems to have a better one than we do, maybe because
she's based at HQ more than we are. Why the hell does she have to look at
me like she's sucking lemons?
Not fair I know. Normally Backup and I get along great. I even half
fancied her when we first started working together, but that faded with
familiarity. So why didn't that happen to Chris? It can't be fun sitting
there with Chris comatose and me glaring at the back of the seat in front.
She knows something's wrong and we aren't telling her what, and that's
pissing her off.
I hate flying. I always have. Couldn't tell Chris that, not with him
being a hot-shot Navy pilot. At least this is a relatively short European
flight. Those intercontinental flights slay me. I really hate flying. I
tell Chris that it's his flying that terrifies me and only because I have a
healthy desire for life but it's not strictly true. I've been scared of
flying since I was a kid, and we went to Spain every year on holiday.
There's some part of me that can't accept we're not going to just fall out
of the sky, and that hasn't got better with age, although no-one would know
that I'm scared looking at me now. I've looked down the barrel of a gun
often enough to hide the fear quite successfully. You'd think after that
flying would be easy. It's not. Getting on a plane is like leaping into
the void and trusting something to hold you up, and I've never been big on
trust. Except with Chris.
I've never thought of another man in a sexual way. Well, okay, maybe the
odd fleeting 'I wonder what it would be like' thought that all of us have
if we were honest enough to admit it to ourselves. I once read somewhere
that most people are bisexual to some degree, even if it's only a small
degree. I'm not sure I entirely believe that. But Chris I hadn't even
considered that way. He's my partner. There are a lot of connotations to
that word, one of which is sexual. God, I can't believe I'm even thinking
this. But he's my partner. He's the person who guards my back in a
firefight - and out of it. He's the one person I can count on no matter
what, and I know he'd say the same about me. My best friend. The person
I'm closest to in the entire world. I'd die for Chris, and now I don't
know who he is anymore.
God I *hate* flying.
My partner made a pass at me tonight. Now all I have to do is decide what
the hell I'm going to do about it.
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