All Hallows Eve
~ Living Room ~
"Would it be too much to ask of you to perhaps show a little more appreciation?"
"Well, that’s a particularly fine vintage you’re drinking there but your
expression reads like I suspect mine did when I tried Dr Pepper… This leads
me to believe that you are not enjoying it."
"It’s not the wine."
"No? I can probably find a Coke or some of that dreadful Budweiser that you
insist on leaving here if you would prefer."
"It’s not the wine, okay?"
"Then what is it?"
"The odds of it being nothing I would say are roughly the same as the odds
of Malone currently being dressed up as Morgan Le Fay."
"You never know. He could be."
"Eh? What on earth are you talking about?"
<sigh> "Well, in case it’s escaped your attention, it’s Halloween."
"Oh. That dumb American custom, who cares?" <pause> <sigh> "Now what
have I said?"
"I think you’ve forgotten that you’re talking to a dumb American."
"Oh… Oh, shit. I didn’t mean you…"
"Just slipped out then, did it?"
"I’m sorry if I offended you, okay? Halloween just doesn’t mean anything
"I’ve noticed. You Brits don’t know what you are missing out on. Halloween’s great fun. We even used to celebrate it on the ships, in the middle of
the ocean. Bobbing for apples and all that…"
<interrupts> "Just to let you know, my willingness to cheer you up does not
extend to apple bobbing in my living room. Also, before you ask, I’m fresh
out of complete pumpkins… If I’d known, I would have saved you one."
<laughs> "You just don’t get it, do you?"
"Nope. But if it means so much to you then I’m happy to give it a go. I
can always put it down to a learning experience."
"Like what? There’s nothing that we can do."
"You’re asking me? I thought you were supposed to be the big expert on all
"Thanks for that. I must remember to add that to my CV, right below CI5
Agent… Ghoul Expert. Wonderful."
"Oh God! I don’t know… I suppose I can get out the Playstation and you can
play Medievil… Does that count?"
"No!" <laughs> "Besides, haven’t you forgotten that I’m not allowed
anywhere near the Playstation because I beat you at Gran Turismo?"
"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me… You’re right. I hope you know that it
was a once of though and that I will beat you…"
"In your dreams." <pause> "I know, how about we play dress-ups?"
"Excuse me? Dress-ups? What on earth are you talking about?"
"Come on, you know, costumes and the like."
"Costumes? I hate to disappoint you but if you think I am hiding super hero
suits under my bed then you are going to be sadly mistaken."
<snorts> "I meant something more classy than simply wearing ones underwear
over a lycra suit. Like, maybe vampires!"
"Vampires now? I’m beginning to worry about you. And again, you are going
to be disappointed, there are no black, red satin lined, cloaks in my wardrobe either… I’m afraid that I must be terribly mundane from where you
"From where I’m sitting I can see someone who is not putting a lot of effort
into any of this." <pause> "And don’t try and look all innocent because it
just isn’t going to work on me." <laughs> "Now you’re just being childish…
Okay? Are we recovered now? Got our tongue back in our mouth where it belongs? Good. What about Vampire Chronicle vampires then?"
"Like Louis and Lestat?"
"Very good. Now we’re getting somewhere. I’m sure you’d have some suitable
clothes in that over-stuffed wardrobe of yours…"
"Ha! Now I get it… You’re just looking for an excuse to paw your way
through my clothes again. I should have known. I still haven’t managed to
get that unidentified stain out of the Hugo Boss shirt I leant you last
month." <pause> "Now, who’s trying to look innocent, eh?"
<sigh> "I’ve never met anyone so retentive about clothes as you. Look, I’ll buy you another one if it will make you happy."
"It won’t be the same."
"Okay. Fine. Whatever. I won’t buy you another one. Can we move on now?"
"Only if I can be Lestat."
"Tough. I’m Lestat."
"And how, pray tell, have you decided on this?"
"Simple. Lestat is younger and blonder that Louis. Even you can’t argue
"I can. Lestat is French. Now, I, unlike you, can speak the language."
"Can too. Citroen, Peugeot, Renault and, ah, Jean Paul Gaultier… How’s
<laughs> "Stunning. Simply stunning. I hate to tell you that I don’t buy
"Don’t care. You have to be Louis. You look like him. He’s meant to have
dark hair and beautiful eyes…" <pause> "Besides, Louis’ actually my
"Oh. But Lestat’s mine." <pause> "Oh… I get it now. Very clever."
"Thank you. Now, that’s sorted, shall we retire to your wardrobe then?"
"You lead the way and I’ll follow with the wine."
~ Bedroom ~
"What exactly do you think you are looking for?"
"Anything that takes my fancy. Unfortunately I think your wardrobe offers
slim picking if I wanted to be Lestat in rock star mode. I mean, look at
this shirt… Boring!"
"Boring? I’ll have you know that boring shirt cost a lot of money."
"So? Doesn’t make it any less boring does it?"
<groan> "Boring or not, did you have to throw it on the floor?"
"Yep!" <pause> "Ah! Here’s a shirt I like. Black satin. Why haven’t I
seen this before?"
"Um… I can’t recall… Oh, great… Now your shirt is adding to the growing
heap on the floor… That’s it! I can’t handle this."
<gasp> "What was that?"
"Preternatural touch, my butt. You had your hands in the ice bucket."
<gasp> "Your hands are so cold."
"Hmmm… There’s some ice left too."
"Aaaahhh… So there is." <pant> "You’re sadistic, did you know that?"
<shriek> "Oh, oh! That is freezing!"
"Really? How was I to know that it would slide down there? <pause> "Would
you like a hand?"
<gasp> "Please. Be my guest…" <pause> "Why are you chewing ice?"
<pause> "Oh… Oh fuck! That feels incredible." <groan> "Lets forget
about… ah!… Halloween, yeah? Ooooh!… I’ve got other things in… oh my God!…
~ Outside, across the road ~
In the back of an unmarked surveillance van, Tina Backus threw her headphones down in dismay as the sound coming through them began to resemble
that of a porn video. Glumly she looked at all the flashing lights on the
console in front of her and sighed. At least she knew, once and for all,
why neither of them had ever asked her for a date. It simply wasn’t fair,
she thought as she silently exited the back of the van and breathed in the
cool night air. For a moment she stared at the window of the room she had
just been listening in to. The curtains were drawn and there was nothing
that she could see behind them. Backus sighed again as she got in the drivers seat of the van, started it up and drove off alone down the road.
[List Fiction Archive]