Series: set after Development
Archive: A/B list archive, anyone else with permission
Warnings: none really
Summary: Billy and Alan come to terms with being alive
Thanks to: Tomy for being so wonderful!
Disclaimer: characters are beloved creations of and copyright Michael
Crichton and Peter Buchanan & co. I'm just playing with them.
“You’re no better than the people who built this
“Billy! No! Don’t!!!!”
‘Oh, God, why did I say that to him? Why were my last words spoken out
of anger and fear? The people who built this place were money-grabbing,
short-sighted bastards who spent their lives sitting around a board room
table never knowing what playing God would mean in the outside world.’
Sitting at the prow of the boat, Alan wiped his eyes with his fingers.
Billy was gone. So many others had died at the claws and beaks of
InGen’s mistakes. And yet this was the first time he’d lost someone so
close to him. It felt like Billy had torn a part of his heart out and
it had died with him. Now the grief was so intense it was difficult to
They still had to get off this Godforsaken island. He still had Eric,
Paul and Amanda to help. But he didn’t care now if he himself made it
off or not. What was there to go back to now? How could he live with
himself when his last words to his lover had been a brutal accusation
that had pushed Billy to give his life just to prove Alan wrong.
The tears came again, and this time he left them to slide over his
cheeks and fall to the floor of the boat.
He didn’t hear Eric come to sit behind him until the kid spoke up. “I’m
sorry about Billy.”
Alan screwed his eyes closed, squeezing the tears from under his lids.
Would it always hurt this much?
Since the moment he’d watched helplessly as Billy had been taken from
him, he hadn’t expected to feel elation when and if he came face to face
with their way off Isla Sorna.
But when they stepped onto the beach and saw the marines there, a whole
cavalry of rescuers, he felt utter relief for a single moment. The
family he’d helped reunite – and keep that way – were safe.
Ellie had saved their butts. She couldn’t have heard much more than
their drowning screams and yet she’d known. “Oh, Ellie,” he murmured.
And his heart broke anew.
Marines surrounded them, medics fussing over the stunned-looking
family. They’d come through this surprisingly well. Grant even felt
proud of them. They’d be okay – cuts and bruises, a few nightmares to
haunt their nights for a couple of months. But then the memories would
be consigned to the past and at least they’d have each other.
He hated himself. He wasn’t sure he could live with himself, or that he
even wanted to try.
He’d lost the only person on the whole planet he really loved. Oh,
Ellie would be there for him, let him stay in the spare room for as long
as he wanted. Ian Malcolm would let him kip on the couch for as long as
he needed to, would take him out for beers in the evening while Sarah
cooked them a late-night supper.
He didn’t want any of that. He didn’t want to live with the empty
feelings that were starting to overwhelm him. Suddenly, he couldn't
stand the thought of leaving this place behind, this place that had
claimed the part of him that proved he was alive.
Slowly, he took a step back into the dense woodland.
Alan closed his eyes. ‘Run,’ a tiny voice in his mind instructed him.
‘Just run and they will never find you.’ Heart pounding, images of
claws and of blood flashing through his mind, he stood, on the brink of
“Sir? Could you come with me… for just a second?”
Psychology as well as weapons. Alan smiled a sad little smile and
nodded once, turning around. He followed the marine to the helicopter.
They stepped up inside the open hatch.
“Is this guy with you?”
Alan thought his heart had stopped beating. ‘Oh, God….’ As he stepped
further into the chopper, he saw Billy, lying bandaged practically from
head to toe.
“Billy….” Alan dropped into a crouch beside the stretcher, the grin
splitting his face. "Billy...."
Words any more expressive than just the young man's name wouldn't seem
to come. There was so much he needed to say, so that if the worst
happened and they were separated again, at least Billy would know. It
seemed the most important thing in the world at that moment to spill his
heart for this young man. And yet, he couldn't speak. He could barely
Despite the morphine in his system, or maybe thanks to it, Billy lifted
his left hand. “I rescued your hat,” he murmured, almost in apology.
“Well, that’s the important thing.” Alan took his hat, fitted it to his
head and with a pained whimper, he reached out to take Billy’s hand into
his own. Lowering his head, he pressed his lips to the back of that
hand. He felt trembling fingers comb into his hair and let out a long,
“I’m sorry,” he managed this time.
“Why?” Billy’s voice was nothing but a rough whisper.
“What I said….”
“You were angry, frightened, trying to keep us alive when all I could do
was endanger us.” He coughed, and it even sounded painful.
Alan sat up, easing Billy’s hand back to where it had lain over his
chest, but keeping a loose hold of it. “I almost lost you,” he murmured
as the young man’s eyelids dropped tiredly. “I don’t ever want to lose
In little more than a breath, Billy replied quietly, “I’ll always come
back to you.”
Billy started when he heard the rustle of leaves in the trees behind
him. His deep sigh of self-depreciating relief shook him even further.
He gave Alan a small smile as the other man’s arms came around him from
“You okay?” Grant murmured softly, dropping a kiss to the base of
Billy nodded, dropped his head back to Alan’s shoulder, closing his
He’d been jumpy ever since they’d left the island. He’d spent three
days recuperating from the worst of his injuries on a Navy vessel,
before he’d been flown into Los Angeles to spend another two weeks in
the hospital there.
The pteranadons had inflicted terrible damage on his body. He’d lost a
dangerous amount of blood. Bones had been broken – including his nose –
and his shoulder shattered, there had been ruptured blood vessels, torn
muscles, internal and external bleeding. And even after all that had
started to heal, he’d found himself with a headache that just wouldn’t
Through it all, Alan had been a constant source of strength and
comfort. Just being with someone who’d been through the same thing and
had survived – twice - helped more than he could put into words.
Someone who understood the nightmares, who shared them. When he woke at
night, sweating and gasping, the memory of screams and pain in his mind,
Alan was there for him.
Billy rested his hands on Alan’s arms, stroking his thumb over the tiny
blond hairs. For a few minutes they just stood like that, together,
half-listening to the sounds coming from the dig in the distance behind
“I can still feel that pteranadon.” Billy closed his eyes for a moment
against the sunshine. “Feel its claws in my shoulders and its beak….”
He shook his head. “I never realised how much pain a beak like that
could cause. Feeling it tearing at me, imagining it eating me alive.”
Alan carefully tightened his embrace, pressing a dry kiss to the side of
his lover’s head. He ached for Billy, wished that he could go back in
time and tell the Kirbys what to do with their money. And yet… he
didn’t regret going, didn’t regret saving another kid from the fate that
had almost befallen the young man in his arms. He did regret taking
Billy with him. The feeling of loss and grief that had overwhelmed him
on the island still came back to haunt him in those awful moments
between dreaming and waking.
“When it dropped me that last time,” Billy was continuing, needing again
to just talk, “I went under and I grabbed a hold of the plants on the
riverbed…. I don’t know how long I stayed there. Until I couldn’t feel
my body any longer, and my head felt fuzzy. When I surfaced… my vision
had narrowed to two tiny points and I passed out.”
He’d come around seconds? minutes? hours? later, to find that he was on
a sandy beach and that in the distance he could hear the rotaries of
helicopters. He’d been so lucky. Lucky to escape, lucky to have washed
up on the shore next to the ocean, lucky not to have died or been eaten
during the night he’d been unconscious.
Alan had taken to calling him ‘Lucky’. He grouched about it, but he
loved that Alan had a pet-name for him.
“It will fade,” Alan told him quietly. “It takes time.”
“You told me that you still had nightmares.”
“I do. But each time I wake up screaming, I look around and remind
myself that I made it. I’m alive. And so are you. We can help remind
one another of that.”
It was Billy’s turn to smile. Turning his head, he hummed softly as
Alan met him in a quick kiss.
“You still okay about tonight?”
Billy nodded. “I personally can’t wait to meet the woman who saved our
butts. You still sure?”
Alan grinned. “I can’t wait for her to meet you.”
The first thing that hit Ellie as she opened the door was how beaming
Alan’s smile was. He looked happy for the first time in a long time.
Throwing her arms around his neck, she hugged him. “Next time, I’ll
leave you there,” she murmured to him, laughing.
“I swear to you, there won’t be a next time.” Releasing one another,
Alan stepped aside. “Ellie, this is Billy. Billy, meet Dr Ellie
Billy held out his hand, but Ellie reached for him like she’d reached
for Alan, and hugged him too.
He tried to return the hug, but he couldn’t help wincing a little.
Immediately she let go, backing off. “Oh, God… I’m sorry….” But he was
still smiling, and he reassured her. The worst was healed, there were
just the bruises left.
She led them into the house. The aroma of barbecuing food was wafting
in from the back yard through the open patio doors and for a moment,
Alan was back on the island, standing chest-high in freezing water,
being drenched by the pouring rain, watching a dinosaur burn.
Ellie, not realising, pulled him back to the here-and-now. “Charlie‘s
gone to his grandparents for the weekend,” she explained. “He
apologises for getting distracted by Barnie.”
Alan laughed. “Hey, tell him he’s forgiven. We were a little
distracted by dinosaurs at the time too.”
Billy glanced between them, but Alan just shook his head. “I’ll explain
sometime,” he told his lover easily, and Billy happily accepted that.
Passing through the house, Billy noticed a photo on the mantelpiece, and
he stopped when it caught his eye. It was of Alan and Ian Malcolm and
two young children, a boy of about twelve and a girl a couple of years
older. The snap had been taken somewhere sunny and green. Not Jurassic
Park, Billy assumed.
“Lex and Tim,” Alan told him from over his shoulder.
“And Ian Malcolm.”
“We became friends after Jurassic Park. Every six months or so, Joan
and Mike – they’re Lex and Tim’s parents – invite us all over for the
weekend.” Reaching to pick up the photo, Alan gazed at it for a moment.
“You’ll have to come with us next time, Billy,” Ellie instructed as she
appeared next to them with two cold glasses of beer.
A glance at Alan, and Billy nodded. “I’d love to.” But only when she’d
stepped outside did he added quietly, “as long as Ian Malcolm isn’t the
Alan’s eyebrows rose. “And why would that matter?”
Billy’s smile was so smug…. “Because he’s the one that taught you that
little trick.” He smiled innocently. “The one you showed me that night
before we flew to Costa Rica.”
Alan was impressed. “How the hell did you know that?” he whispered,
with more than affection in his voice.
“Just the way you talk about him, when you do. And this photo.” Alan
looked more closely at the framed snapshot in his hand. He and Ian were
standing behind the two kids, leaning into one another, Alan looking off
to the left, Ian looking at the camera. But Ian was saying something to
him. And Alan now saw the expression on his own face.
“You don’t often dedicate that level of concentration to anyone,” Billy
“Alan?” They both turned, and Ellie chuckled. “You two look so
Blushing, Alan replaced the picture. “I’ll explain later,” he murmured
to his lover, slightly worried.
But Billy was smiling. “It’s okay, Alan. I’m grateful to him.”
Outside, Mark left the barbecue long enough to shake Alan’s hand.
“Welcome back!” he greeted with a friendly smile. “We were worried.”
He meant it.
“Thanks. So were we.” He introduced Billy, who also reached to shake
Mark’s proffered hand. Mark couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at the
long, reddened but healing wound that ran the length of Billy’s arm,
along the underside from the base of his wrist almost to the inside of
“Pteranadon,” Billy explained, following Mark’s gaze.
Mark immediately stepped back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.”
Billy shrugged. “It’s fine. One of them clawed me as I tried to
escape, opening my arm up.”
Behind them, Ellie shuddered. She hated to think of Alan going through
all that again. But they’d made it, they were alive. Suddenly, she
just wanted to hug them both.
They ate and drank as the sun set. Alan was driving, and after a couple
of beers, Billy had relaxed enough to tell Mark about at least some of
their experiences on the island. Some, Alan knew, would only be spoken
of between the two of them.
“I’ve never seen him so taken with someone!” Ellie told Alan as they
took the dishes into the kitchen. Alan smiled, gaze lingering on his
lover outside on the patio. He only noticed how close Ellie was
standing when she nudged him. “So?” There was a smile of pure
curiosity on her face.
Alan tried for innocent. “So what?”
“So… come on! There’s obviously something between you two! Is it…
Blushing, casting his eyes downward for a moment, Alan nodded once. “I
“He’s adorable. And you…” she was still grinning, “…I haven’t seen you
so happy in years!”
Alan looked at her, and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. “I
haven’t been this happy in years.” His eyes once again wondered out of
the window. “He’s…” Alan laughed. “He’s perfect. And for some reason…
he seems to like me.”
“I think he more than likes you, Alan.” She leaned into him. “I’m
happy for you.”
“Really?” He sounded worried.
“Yes! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well… I mean…” he shrugged, embarrassed. “It hasn’t escaped my notice
that he’s… you know, a guy.”
Ellie laughed. “I had noticed.”
“It is difficult to miss, isn’t it?”
“If you love him, Alan,” she told him definitely, “it doesn’t matter.”
Alan cuddled her for a few moments. “I think I do,” he murmured.
A cheer went up from the dig site as Billy opened the door of the jeep
and put his feet on the solid ground.
At the base of the hill, the sand had been cleared from what looked like
a second set of ‘raptor bones. At least this one wasn’t going to
attempt to eat him. He shivered, all at once, the painful, haunting
memories flashing through his mind like an expensive horror flick.
A moment later, Alan’s hand was pressed to his back, anchoring him.
“It’ll pass,” he reassured.
Billy glanced at him. “Yeah. I know.”
Alan nodded, shrugged almost imperceptibly, and moved around Billy to
put a foot on the rocky incline down to the site.
“Alan.” He looked back, meeting those beautiful, dark eyes. “I love
Alan’s breath caught. And then he smiled, like the sunshine coming out
from behind the clouds. “I love you too, Lucky.”
Billy took Alan’s outstretched hand and let his lover guide him down the
incline to the dig. To home.
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