|Based on: Bottom
Rating: Ah, let me see, R I think.
Pairing: Richie and Eddie. Obviously.
Archive: Britslash, SlashCom and Rareslash I suppose.
Oh and possibly my homepage. Dunno yet.
Warnings : Er - maybe the title is misleading.
Title: Top, Middle and Bottom
Top, Middle and Bottom
Richie snorted. His narrow lips vibrated as he let out
a loud sigh.
"I'm bored Eddie. How come there's never anything to
Eddie Hitler looked at him before turning back,
looking again and pausing. Eventually he spoke,
"Because Richie, you have no money and no
"Yes I know - but that doesn't explain why we always
end up sitting here, watching Richard and Judy and,"
he paused dreamily, "Emmerdale."
"I thought you liked Emmerdale."
"Yes I do, but where's the joie de vivre, where's the
love, why is my life just one endless stream of pain
and humiliation?" Richie threw his head into the arm
of the sofa dramatically, hitting his head in the
Eddie sat there smirking. Of course he felt the same,
but he wasn't about to let stupid stuff like that
bother him. Not with all the booze and birds in the
world, there for the taking. Not that any birds had
been taken lately. Well, ever now he came to think
about it. But the booze. Oh yes that was something to
"Oh Eddie - why is there no-one special in my life? Am
I so dull, am I so unattractive - do I perhaps
"Yes, yes and yes Richie - but maybe the fact that you
never really take the time to listen might have
something to do with it."
"I listen Eddie - I'd listen all night if it meant I'd
get a shag out of it. I'm an incredibly romantic
person deep down."
"All right prove it."
Richie Richard looked bemused at this. "And how pray
tell am I supposed to prove it Eddie? Do you see any
stunningly attractive birds with knockers like two
puppies in a sack?"
"Ew that sounds revolting - what sort of birds have
you seen? Wouldn't that make their knockers all hairy
"That's beside the point. The point is there are no
women here - just you, and I'm hardly likely to want
to seduce you now am I?"
Eddie looked disappointed, "Really? I would have
thought you'd be grabbing any chance you got. It's not
as if you're going to get any other offers. Ever. From
Richie ignored the insult and went straight to the
crux of the matter. "And are you seriously saying
"Well yes. Of course." Eddie grinned myopically at his
housemate. Richie grimaced and jumped away.
"No, that's disgusting. I'm not that desperate."
"Well I think you are." Eddie growled seductively and
pretended to be a panther, wagging his bottom and
winking at Richie in a most unpantherlike way.
Richie backed into the corner. He reached behind him
and fumbled for the nearest object. "No - keep away,"
he said, threatening Eddie with a small Spanish-lady
shaped bottle of sand from the Isle of Wight.
"Ah - you think sand can keep us apart Richie. It's
your destiny - you, me , a furtive night of pleasure.
Of course I'll probably have to get extremely drunk
before I let you shag me."
Richie put down the sand at looked at Eddie. "Have you
been at that cooking sherry again?"
Eddie smiled sleepily. "Oh yes - and now I'm extremely
"You'll regret it in the morning."
"Oh - does that mean we're on?"
"Certainly does - an offer like this doesn't come
along every day."
The next morning Eddie woke up with an alarming
hangover and an even more alarming lump occupying the
space next to him.
"eek," he whimpered as he realised that Richie was
snuggling very close and in fact had his arm draped
over a certain inexplicably tender part of Eddie's
"Richie?" He whispered. Richie stirred slightly and
moved even closer. Eddie manoeuvered himself into a
slightly more comfortable position. He considered
making a run for it, but then decided he was far too
closely entwined with his sleeping housemate not to
incur some sort of pain from the inevitable squeeze.
He looked at Richie from the corner of his eye.
Everything was a bit blurry without his glasses, but
he was close enough to see his companions face. He
looked quite nice asleep, Eddie decided.
Just then Richie's eyes shot open. "Oh lord - Eddie
"What?" Eddie reasoned that nonchalance might work -
maybe Richie wouldn't notice anything was different.
"We've slept in - it's probably nearly 12 noon -
you've missed all the pubs opening. I know how you
like to be the first to order a triple scotch and a
packet of pork scratchings. Oh and I think we've
missed Richard and Judy."
"Eh? You're not apologising for being in my bed?"
"Apologise - why would I do that? It was wonderful.
I'd fully expected to go my whole life without
experiencing some of the things you showed me last
night. Besides you started it."
"You mean you're not ashamed, you're not...what
Richie chuckled, "Ooh, well if you don't remember
maybe we'd better go over them again this morning."
Without the benefit of alcohol Eddie was feeling a
little bit odd. He hadn't been sober for nigh on
twenty years and it was an unfamiliar feeling. He was,
however, surprised to find he was actually quite
excited about the prospect of reliving all the things
he'd missed in his semi-permanent drunken stupor. Even
more strange, he was feeling very horny.
"Richie - I can't say this is something I ever
expected to say in my lifetime but," he paused, "I
think you maybe right for once. We had better go over
The tongue in his ear, and the insistent hand on his
groin suggested to Eddie that Richie had definitely
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