Title: Like making love to a beautiful woman...
Fandom: HP/Fast Show
Pairing: Arthur Weasley/Swiss Toni
Archive: Please ask. Okay for Britslash.
Summary: Arthur Weasley goes to buy a new car
Thanks to: Mama (Sebastian) for posting & beta
Disclaimers: The BBC and JK Rowling own Swiss Toni, Mr. Weasley etc.
and should be grateful.
Like Making Love to a Beautiful Woman...
Swiss Toni sat down in his office, lighting his pipe and taking a
long, slow drag before puffing back out. Today was going to be a fine
day; he could feel it in the air. Paul was sitting opposite him,
sorting through a pile of fluorescent stickers to try and find a pound
sign. He considered the youth for a moment and shook his head, knowing
that his apprentice would never have the skills or the rakish good
looks to get by in this business. He was watching the forecourt
through the window, in case a customer stopped by, as he always did
every morning. Taking the pipe from his lips, he nodded towards the
"Here's a woman, Paul."
"I beg your pardon, Swiss?" He eyed the older man curiously and
wondered what he was going to come out with now.
"Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to
know about this business. These aren't cars were selling here -
they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have
to know about women."
"Right. Yes, Swiss." Everything in Swiss Toni's life came down to
women. More specifically, to talking about having sex with them. Paul
had long since learnt the art of pretending to be interested while
Swiss rambled on; if it kept him happy, Paul assumed it was okay to
pretend to be interested, after all. This morning wasn't any
different, so he listened as Swiss exemplified on why exactly you had
to know about women in order to sell a car, waiting patiently until he
could change the topic of conversation. "But what if you're selling a
car to a bloke?" he wondered aloud.
"Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers."
Paul frowned. He'd expected another line about beautiful women, and
Swiss Toni's answer was comparatively unusual.
"But I thought you said they were dreams?"
"You never dream about todgers, Paul?"
"No, no. Neither do I. Obviously." Swiss Toni frowned. He wasn't being
completely honest on that account, but he felt that admitting to the
subject of many of his dreams might injure his manliness. "But when
you're selling a car to a man, it all comes down to who's got the
biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But -
in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the
biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest
todger in the world." "
"I've got the biggest todger in the world," Paul echoed, bemused.
"It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine." With a smile
for the foolish young man, Swiss Toni patted him on the shoulder and
got up from his seat, placed the pipe back in his mouth and headed out
to the forecourt, fingering his business cards in anticipation. The
woman had gone. He sighed, then drew himself proudly back up and began
to strut around the small patch of concrete that was his territory,
occasionally pausing to stroke the sleek curve of a Jaguar, or polish
the mirror of a Rover. Standing before his cars, he admired their
shining ranks, lined up like men in an army. A short time later, Paul
came out of the office and started sticking a price to a small Nissan
they'd got in the other day, smoothing the bubbles out of the plastic
and making sure each number was level.
With a certain amount of annoyance, he noticed a scruffy-looking man
winding his way through the disorderly bunch of second hand cars at
the far side of the forecourt, checking each of the prices and looking
more and more frightened as he went. As if his flaming red hair wasn't
striking enough, he was wearing what seemed to be a rugby shirt and
the bottom half of a wetsuit, giving him an extremely odd appearance.
The shirt was far too large for him, almost falling from his
shoulders, but the wetsuit bottoms were too small, making his legs
look bulgy and seal-like.
"Can I help you, sir?" Swiss Toni asked, swaggering over to the
smaller man and grinning disarmingly.
"Umm... yes, I believe you can. I take it that you are the owner of
this car shop?"
"Indeed, I am," he said, holding out a business card and smirking
knowingly. This man probably had a very small todger. "Swiss Tony."
"Oh! Well, I'm Arthur Weasley, pleased to meet you." Arthur shook his
hand warmly and took the business card, frowning at it. "This piece of
parchment has your name on it, and a number..."
"It's a business card," Swiss Toni explained. "The number is for the
"You have a phone here? Oh, how wonderful!"
"Mmm... yes." Perhaps the customer was foreign, though he didn't seem
to have an accent. "I take it you're not from around here?"
"Well, my father was German originally, but I've always lived here."
"Mmm... German, eh? Very strong, the Germans, very virile..." Arthur
just looked at him. What an odd lot these muggles were.
"I was wondering if you could help me find a car? My son drove the
last one into a tree."
"Oh dear. A boy trying to do a man's job, I see, trying to use a
machine before he has yet learned the skills needed to handle her." He
shook his head sadly, putting an arm around Arthur's shoulders and
steering him towards the more expensive models.
"Umm... I think I'm looking for something a little less dear?" Arthur
suggested, eyes bugging out at the price stickers decorating the line
of Porsches and BMWs.
"Well, you see, Mr. Weasley," Swiss Toni said, releasing Arthur and
turning to face him, "deciding what car to buy is very much like
making love to a beautiful woman. You eye up her assets, making sure
to take note of her gentle curves and soft, snug interior. Then, when
you're both ready, you slip inside, turn her on and feel her shudder
beneath you, even take her for a little spin. You drive her with
little thrusts to see how well she handles," his voice lowered to a
soft purr, leaning in closer to Arthur for greater effect.
"...y...yes..." The smaller man suddenly found that his throat was
very dry, and tried to concentrate on what Swiss Toni was saying
rather than on the lewd images that were invading his mind.
"Then you take her around some difficult territory to increase the
excitement, pushing her firmly into a higher gear when you're speeding
down the motorway, then pulling back out when you need to take it
slower. When you're both satisfied, you roll her back home, slamming
on the breaks and leaving her panting, fill her up with petrol and
stroke her gently to ease her back down."
"Then, if you decide you don't like her, you bid her a polite farewell
and look around for a racier model."
"Mr. Weasley, perhaps you would care to step into my office and have a
glass of whisky, so we can discuss your choice of model in more
"Alright." Arthur followed him dazedly, the imagery the salesman had
been using leaving him with a raging hard-on. He was too confused by
what Swiss Toni was saying to try to figure out why Toni's voice and
the words were so arousing, but they certainly had a notable effect on
him. Toni ushered him into the chair that Paul had been occupying
earlier, then went over to a cabinet and poured out two glasses of
whiskey. Perching on the edge of the desk, he gave one to Arthur and
then swirled the liquid around his own, his movements slow and
rhythmic. Arthur watched Toni's hands and gulped, blushed, then looked
"Am I correct in saying you want a smaller model?
"Yes. I was looking for something that wasn't too expensive and didn't
need too much upkeep."
"There are great advantages to the smaller models. They are lighter,
more versatile. You can do things with them that would be difficult,
if not impossible, with a larger car, and they will run for hours
without needing a break to let them cool down."
"Yes, they will."
"So were you looking for a fresh, young little thing, or a more
experienced, older engine?"
"Errrmmm... I really don't mind."
"Oh, so I see you appreciate the finer things no matter what form they
take. A man after my own tastes." He wondered just how large Arthur's
todger was, and whether his was larger. Insecurity crept in through a
small breach in his defences, and he found his eyes straying down to
"Errr... yes, I suppose so..."
"Very good. Very good indeed..." Arthur's todger looked like it was
smaller than his, though he couldn't be sure.
"Ummm... Toni?" He squirmed, noticing that the other man's gaze was
riveted to his crotch. "Why are you staring down at me... like that?"
Swiss Toni jerked his eyes away from Arthur, silently cursing - it had
been foolish to lose himself in the moment and betray his secret
"Well, you see..." For once, he couldn't think of an answer.
"I think I should be going now." Arthur said, draining his whisky in
one gulp and edging towards the doorway.
"Wait, Mr. Weasley, I..."
"Do you have a wife?"
"Yes." He nodded, wondering where this strange muggle's conversation
was going to lead.
"Ah, a potent man, a skilled man."
"What exactly is it you want? I came here to buy a car, not to have
some strange... person... asking me about my love life and
suggesting..." He shivered, one hand on the door knob, ready to leave.
"Please, Mr. Weasley, it is so very important not to be hasty." Toni
placed a hand over his and eased it away from the door knob. Arthur
was completely perplexed as to why this muggle was acting like he was,
what he wanted... and then Swiss Toni leaned forwards, pinning him to
the door, and kissed him sloppily.
"Wha...?" Arthur's mouth gaped, trying to make sense of what was
happening. The warmth of Swiss Toni's body against his was delicious,
and the shifting layers of cloth and rubber between them were brushing
against his cock infuriatingly. No, he couldn't, not when Molly was...
"Please, Mr. Weasley..." Swiss Toni continued, stroking his hand and
the side of his hip gently.
"You are a man, with the same needs and drives as I..."
"I don't understand!" He yelled, panicking, and tried to push the
other man away.
"You should! You're experienced, the founder of a dynasty, and I'm
nothing, nothing! Fifty-five and still a virgin! Please, Mr. Weasley,
show me your secret and..." He pushed back against the wizard, holding
his arms against the door as he kissed Arthur again. The sensation was
rougher, more exciting than the fragile little kisses Arthur usually
shared with Molly, so much more arousing... He wanted Swiss Toni,
wanted to pin him down and screw the man senseless, with all his
innuendo and false masculinity. Show him what it meant to make love to
a beautiful... well, man. "Show me how to..."
With a groan, Arthur pushed him away and over to the desk, throwing
him down onto the polished wood and tearing at Toni's clothes, ripping
his shirt open and pulling away his trousers and shoes. At last, all
that the salesman was wearing was his jacket and shirt, pushed back
away from his heaving chest, and his odd socks, which Arthur decided
weren't worth the trouble removing. The wizard's erection was urging,
painful under the tight rubber of his wetsuit bottoms, and he tried
desperately to peel them off but couldn't manage to remove them; they
were too tight.
"We need lubrication," Swiss Toni moaned, watching in desperation as
Arthur struggled with the legs of his wetsuit.
"What a brilliant idea." He smiled, and calmed down a little,
producing his wand and casting a lubrication charm on his legs so that
the constricting rubber slid off with ease, leaving his skin covered
in slippery goo from hip to toe. Toni gasped, and Arthur noted that
he'd have to use a memory charm on him afterwards. He remembered
something one of his sons had said about needing lubrication, and
decided that a cleaning charm was unnecessary. Dropping his wand and
tugging his shirt off over his head, he turned his attention back to
the man waiting for him. He wasn't sure how to do this, but it
couldn't have been that much more difficult than all his times with
Molly, especially given the fact that he was so slimy.
"Are you... ?" Swiss Tony gasped as Arthur's cock nudged against his
thigh; he was feeling nervous and quite scared.
"Just tell me if this hurts, okay?" Arthur told him, pulling the
salesman's legs apart and pushing them up while he held his cock in
place, pushing into Toni slowly. "Oh... yes..." He moaned, and Swiss
Tony writhed slightly underneath him, eyes wide and looking up at him
in a mixture of wonder and shock. Partway there, he realised he should
be taking it a bit slower to make sure that Swiss Toni could manage to
take him in without it being painful. "Are you... are you alright?"
"Right. Okay..." He pushed forward slowly, just a little bit at a
time, until he was deep inside the other man. A shudder ran through
Toni, clenching around Arthur slightly and making them both gasp.
Arthur couldn't keep this up, couldn't go slow, needed more... He drew
out, then slowly pushed back in again, then repeated the process,
finding a place inside Swiss Toni that made him go mad with pleasure,
made him writhe and twitch underneath him. He picked up the tempo a
little, grabbing Toni's hips and sliding deeper, faster, the slime
covering Arthur's body keeping the friction between them low enough
that the hard thrusts caused neither of them any discomfort. The
greasy substance spread onto Toni, then onto the desk, making him
slide over it with every push, sending pencil pots, letters and pads
of paper crashing to the floor. He was clinging onto the edge of the
desk to try to keep from moving away from Arthur, pushing back against
him and arching his back, moaning, screaming...
Arthur could feel he was close, and let go with one hand to reach for
Swiss Toni's cock, wrapping around it and rubbing frantically as his
movements became more violent. He pumped harder into the salesman,
gasping out little feral noises until Swiss Toni came, releasing into
Arthur's hand and clenching around his cock, sending Arthur over the
It took a few seconds for Arthur to come back to reality. The first
thing he really noticed was the sensation of thick, curly chest hair
under his palm, warm and sticky with the semen that had smeared from
his fingers. He pushed himself away from Swiss Toni, slipping out of
the man and eyeing him in horror; what had he been thinking?
Recovering his wand from a mess of invoices and broken glass, he
shakily cast a quick cleaning charm on himself, and then a memory
charm on the salesman. Picking up his rubber wetsuit bottoms and
pulling on his shirt, he checked the room for anything else he might
have left behind and apparated away. He was too ashamed and disgusted
by what he'd just done to face speaking to Swiss Toni about a new car
when he'd recovered from the temporary stupor that the memory charm
would leave him in.
Maybe he'd stick to fireplaces for a while.
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