Title: Bathrooms And Conveniences
Author: K9 kaynyne@cableinet.co.uk
Fandom: 'Bedrooms And Hallways' movie (yes another fandom no one has heard
Rating: NC-17. Gosh...another one!
Archive: Yes to Britslash.
Website: http://www.skeeter63.org/k9kennel/

Notes: This is a really wonderful little known British gay themed movie.
It's hilariously funny, very sexy and has some quite delicious male leads,
yet it's received so little recognition when movies like 'Beautiful Thing'
are talked about everywhere. Very unfair IMO.
Kevin McKidd, James Purefoy, Tom Hollander and Simon Callow are just a part
of the great cast!

Please, beg, steal or borrow a copy and give it a go, you won't regret it!

Anyway, you probably won't understand any of this if you haven't seen the
film and consider this snippet a *huge* spoiler for the ending, so you have
been warned.


Bathrooms and Conveniences

by K9

When Darren emerged next morning, 'she' had gone and Leo was wearing a
sheepish look.

The blonde glanced up as Darren made his way to the cupboard to reach out a
bowl for his cereal.

"Why don't you just say it?" Leo stated with what could only be described as
a long-suffering sigh.

"No need is there? You already know what I think."

"Look, we're old friends..." Leo tried to explain.

"So are old Mrs Patterson and me, but I've never *slept* with her!" Darren
wailed dramatically.

"Sleeping with a woman is not the end of the world, Darren."

"Might as well be, you...you...Judas, you."


Darren turned and faced his flat-mate, his blue eyes blazing, hands on hips,
"Yes! You've sold out. You've gone 'hetty' and I'll never forgive you!"

"I have *not* gone 'hetty'. It was just *one* woman, not the entire gender."

"I thought you'd gone mad when you brought a straight boy home, like some
big Irish stray puppy, but a *woman*? Oh God, I feel sick, I need to go out
and find some *real* gay men before I start getting hetty urges too."

"It's not contagious, Darren. You don't 'go' heterosexual," Leo tried to
hide a smile.

"Well you have!" the smaller man shrieked, "Just wait until I tell Ang."

"My sex life is my business and no one else's."

"And what was wrong with that nice straight boy?" Darren stood over his
friend menacingly, "At least he'd got a nice arse *and* he cooked."

"Darren, I don't want to get into this with you."

"You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere. You'll be one of those 'born again
hetties', preaching love and understanding and trying to get gays into
therapy to cure them next."

"You're over-reacting."

"Am not."

"Are too."

With his ever-present sense of drama, Darren flounced across the room,
stopping to lift the cover from the sofa with obvious distaste.

"I hope you're going to have this cleaned. Here...where you and her...*did
it*," he grimaced.

"Darren, you're getting hysterical," Leo murmured and slipped two slices of
bread in the toaster.

"I'm in distress, I've been betrayed!"

"Anyone would think that *you'd* slept with a woman the way you're going

Swallowing hard, Darren pressed his fingertips to his temples, "Oh God,
that's a horrible thing to say. Just the thought of it makes me go all

"You're already 'all queer', Darren."

"Too bloody right I am! I knew it was a mistake letting you go to that men's
group. Mixing with all those straight men has turned your head. What next,
Arnold Schwarznegger movies and 'real ale' I suppose?"

Watching the bread turn from white to a golden brown Leo buffeted the taunts
"So how's Jeremy?" he asked suddenly.

Immediately Darren fell silent.
"Fine." He replied eventually, continuing to tidy the flat as he went.

"No more having sex in other people's houses then?"


"Where did you go last night?"

"Angie's place."

"Angie's place?"

Darren pouted and sighed, "Yeah, until she brought Adam back and kicked us
out. But, we're going to the theatre tonight," his eyes flashed with glee
and a visible shudder ran through him.

"Oooh, sounds serious, what are you going to see?" Leo tried not to smile at
the joy on the smaller man's face.

"Comedy of Errors."

"How very apt," Leo chuckled, removing the nicely brown toast and spreading
on the butter thickly.

"He's so cultured," Darren sighed, "He wants us to join the 'mile high
club'," he sniggered.

"No! Oh Darren, you're not going to do it?"

"Why not?"

"What if you get caught having it away in an aeroplane toilet with another
man, you'll get arrested."

"Oh we're not going to do it on a commercial airline, dolt! He knows someone
with a helicopter who'll take us for a spin. 'A man with a big chopper' I'm

Open mouthed, toast balanced precariously at his lips, Leo was speechless.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and shook him from the vivid mental picture
forming in his mind.
Darren scuttled across the room and swung open the door.

"Oh, hello Brendan, come on in," he grinned, shooting a glance back at Leo
who was frantically gesturing with his hands for Brendan *not* to be let
into the flat.

"Hi, sorry to intrude but I just met Angie and she let me in the front
door," Brendan explained.

"Oh that's okay, you're always welcome!" Darren smiled and winked at Leo

"Brendan, what can we do for you?" Leo suddenly appeared behind a bouncing

"Can I talk to you?" Brendan's voice was almost breathy and Leo felt his
groin tighten, "Alone."

"Oh don't mind me, I'm just leaving. I have to go see Ang, I have *so* much
to tell her!" Darren grabbed his jacket and skipped out of the door with a
leer in Leo's direction as he went.

Leo gestured to the kitchen and Brendan followed him, seating himself at the
"So, what can I do for you, Brendan?"

"I just wanted to clear the air between us before I left for Thailand.
You're the first man I ever had 'feelings' for and I don't like the idea of
walking away without putting certain things to rest." Brendan ran his
fingers through his hair nervously, "I admit that I was a bit taken aback
when I found out that you'd been 'seeing' Sally, you just don't expect your
gay lover to run off with your girlfriend," he gave an unsure laugh.

Leo held up his hand and shook his head, "Wait a minute, you're saying that
it was okay for Sally's *straight* boyfriend to be shagging a gay man, but
not for said gay man to have feelings for one of his oldest female friends?"

Wincing, Brendan squirmed in his seat, "I know that this whole relationship
is a bit of a mess, I won't even pretend that I understand it myself, but
Keith said I needed to express my motivations and desires, so here I am."

"Okay, go ahead."

"Anyway, I've come to realise that the feelings I have for you are deeper
and more meaningful than I'd thought. You know I said that I wasn't looking
to move into another long term relationship after just coming out of the one
with Sally?"


"Well, maybe I was wrong."

Leo leaned back in his chair, his stomach lurched and rolled, a familiar
heat pooled in his lap as Brendan's soft dark eyes smiled back at him. As
confusing lives went, his *had* to take the prize.
"So what are you saying?" he asked at last, his mouth dry and the sweat
beading on his forehead.

"I'm just saying that, when I get back from Thailand, if you're not seeing
anyone, maybe we could give it another go?"

Taking a steadying deep breath, Leo tried to make his voice sound calm, "I
don't know, Brendan."

"No, no I know. I don't expect any decision now I just needed to get it off
my chest before I leave. You'll give it some thought while I'm away,

"Yeah, I'll give it some thought."

Later that day

Lying back on Angie's sofa, Leo groaned out loud, "Oh Ang, what do I do?
I've made such a mess of everything."

"Yes you have, haven't you? I had Darren in here this morning, *very*
distressed, wailing about 'Leo's gone hetty', I had to sacrifice one of my
favourite ice-cream sundae's to calm him down."

"I love Sally, I always did..."

"I sense a 'but'?"

"Oh God, Ang...I love Sally but I'm not 'in love' with her because she's the
wrong sex!"

"So why did you sleep with her last night then?"

"Because it felt right at the time and...well.."

Angie frowned, "And because you could, because your dick told you it was
okay by getting hard?"

Suddenly glaring in Angie's direction, Leo pouted, "Well, not exactly. Not
*really*. No. Okay, maybe.."

"Darren's right, you've gone hetty!" Angie pushed herself up from the sofa,
pushing Leo's head from her lap.

"I have *not*!"

"Trust me, Leo, that is a purely male heterosexual reaction, I think you
need therapy." She replied as she ejected a finished CD from the player.

"Oh God."

"So what did Brendan want then?"

"He wants us to get back together when he returns from Thailand."

Angie's face lit up into a smile, "Now *that* sounds promising!"

"But he doesn't know I slept with Sally yet." Leo pushed himself up onto one


"And Sally now thinks that we're 'involved', so I have to break it to her
that last night was a mistake."


"At which point she'll get upset and hate me, then Brendan will find out
what happened and he'll hate me too."

"Oh shit."

Despairing and weary, Leo fell back on the sofa again with a thud.
All he'd ever wanted was a simple life.


The tube train was brimming as usual when Jeremy and Darren climbed aboard,
heading for the West End and their first 'real' date that didn't involve
getting naked in someone else's house. Darren was almost quivering with
excitement as Jeremy surreptitiously patted his bottom to usher him into the
seat. Outward displays of affection between two men were still a fairly
risky thing on the London underground at night, but Jeremy thrived on the
danger of being seen and gave a sly lopsided grin as Darren's cheeks
coloured and he slid into the seat before his knees turned to jelly.

In his heart, Darren knew that Jeremy was bad for him, but the thrill of
being with someone so turned on by danger was worth the risk of getting

"You look delicious tonight," Jeremy whispered into Darren's ear as the
train rocked and jolted, hurtling through the darkness.

"Thank you, so do you," Darren mumbled the words and clasped his hands
tightly in his lap to hide the suddenly straining material of his white
satin trousers. He knew white satin was going to be a mistake, he never
could wear anything underneath without getting one of those horrible lines
across his arse.

"Ever had sex in a train toilet cubicle?" Jeremy whispered again.

Only Darren's wide eyes swivelled around to glance at the smiling face
beside him, but the delicate pink of his cheeks became more vivid a red.

"Well have you? Tightly squeezed against the metal wall, that pert little
bottom of yours balanced precariously on the washbasin?"

Closing his eyes, Darren tried to swallow but his throat had become almost
unbearably tight. The train was packed with people and he was about to dump
in his trousers. "Jeremy, *please*, not here!"

"Just enough room for me to squeeze down and suck on those sweet, pebbly
little nipples of yours.."

"Oh *fuck*!"

"I'm just going to the loo, care to join me?" Jeremy hissed the words and
Darren began to shake.

This was madness, complete and utter madness. If they were found, they'd be
arrested, end up in the 'News Of The World' and his mother would kill him.

"Give me two minutes then come on in, you sexy little stud muffin!"


Jeremy smirked as he stood up, smoothing his pale linen chino's with his
hand, letting his fingers dance momentarily across his crotch, just long
enough to give Darren a small coronary, before slipping down the carriage
and into the tiny toilet.

Darren shook his head, he
thought, <why couldn't I just find a nice straight boy like Leo has?> He
tried to adjust himself to stop his eyes watering, not taking his gaze off
the toilet door for a moment. <Everyone is bound to know what's going on.
I'll get arrested, thrown in the cells with all those big, hairy, sweaty men
and become a prison bitch...> For a moment his mind wandered in a different
direction. <What am I thinking?>

He was beginning to get hysterical, he could feel the fear building in him.
A cold sweat peppered his body, but the unmistakable chill of arousal beat
at his brain.
Almost against his will, he climbed to his feet and as nonchalantly as any
man in white satin pants, a red velvet shirt and heeled boots could, he
sauntered down the train, darting quickly into the toilet.

As the door lock clicked into place, Jeremy pushed Darren against the wall
and assaulted his lips. Large hands cupped Darren's rear, lifting him up
slightly so that he rested against the washbasin, the same hands then set
about unbuttoning the tight white trousers, one button at a time, while the
lips never broke the kiss for a second.

Darren grasped at Jeremy's shoulders frantically, trying to hold himself up
and give Jeremy enough room to tug open the zipper and free his now
painfully urgent erection.
Finally breaking the kiss, Jeremy began to lick his way down Darren's chest,
tugging on the chest hair with his teeth, something he knew sent Darren wild
and left him mewling like a kitten.

When finally Jeremy swallowed Darren's cock whole, sucking and humming in
time with the rattling of the train wheels and the violent shaking of the
carriage, Darren became a helpless rag doll, slumped against the graffiti
strewn walls, his head thrown back, teeth digging into his bottom lip as he
tried not to shout his pleasure to the audience just the other side of the
thin metal door.

He came hard; the shaking of the carriage had more to do with the sexual
gymnastics going on in the toilet than the ever changing track. Hips
thrusting wantonly he pumped himself into Jeremy's hot mouth with abandon,
no longer caring about anything but his own need.

Wiping his mouth with a promptly produced handkerchief, Jeremy grinned and
kissed Darren hard on the lips, "Naughty boy, you didn't tell me you ate
garlic last night!" he purred.

"Gnk?..MM..Yr" Darren tried to form words, but they didn't come out as
standard English.

Jeremy pulled the slumped younger man close and with a slight twist he'd
turned him around, pulling down the tight trousers in one quick motion.


Without a word and only the sound of a zipper being lowered as a clue to
what happened next, Darren heard the crinkle of a condom packet and the
squelchy sound of something slick being squirted, then a heavy feeling
against his rear and the familiar sensation of being penetrated. Darren's
finger curled tightly against the washbasin that he now leaned into and he
gritted his teeth until the mild discomfort passed and Jeremy began to hit
his prostate, over and over until he felt his cock hardening again, hitting
the cold metal of the basin and almost shrinking it back into his body.

"How does that feel?" Jeremy growled into his ear.

"Wonderful, like an express train!" Darren groaned as each thrust almost
bashed his head against the wall.

As the hooter blew, signalling that the train was slowing into the station,
Darren came again with a howl, Jeremy thrust one last time and withdrew his
teeth from Darren's neck.

Filing from the train, Darren bit back a giggle when the disembodied voice
on the speaker system announced: 'We hope you had a nice journey and that
you'll travel with us again!'


With the sound of Sally's last words still ringing in his head, Leo slumped
down on the sofa and knocked back another drink.

'Whatever made me think that you'd be different to all the other bastards? A
man is a man is a man, wherever he shoves his dick...'

Maybe she was right? He *had* treated her badly, led her on and used her to
try to sort out his own confusion.

He *was* a complete bastard.

Reaching for another drink, he looked at the bottle; full a mere half an
hour ago and now pitifully empty but for a drain in the bottom.

"So what do you do, Leo old man? Like a 'real' man, when you can't handle
something, you get pissed! How very *macho* of you," he could hear the slur
in his own voice and inside it disgusted him. "Oh fuck, I feel like watching
an Arnold Schwarznegger film, I'm doomed!" he groaned as he slid inexorably
down on the sofa.

Leo wasn't sure how long he lay there, but the next thing he remembered was
Darren getting home in the wee small hours of the morning, by which time his
head was beating to a different tune from the rest of the world.

"What you doing on the sofa?" Darren asked, peering down at that sad sight
that was once his flatmate.

"Trying to get up."

"You look lousy!"

"I feel lousy."

"I warned you going hetty was bad for your health, it's not natural for a
gay man to get those urges!" Darren tried to keep his face straight but the
corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes danced with mischief.

"Oh don't, I told her tonight that it was a mistake," Leo groaned


"And she called me a bastard."

"Well you *are*. You're *gay*, all the practice in the world won't make you
a real hetty, mate. Just accept that you'll be lifting shirts all your life
and everything else will become clear."

"Wisdom according to Darren?"


Gingerly, Leo pushed himself upright and his head spun wildly. "So, you have
a good time tonight?" he asked at last, knowing that Darren was just waiting
for him to ask.

"Oh yes," the smaller man replied with a breathless gasp of delight.

"Good play?"

"Delightful. You know that theatre has wonderful toilets?" Darren's eyes
twinkled and for a moment he seemed to drift away with his thoughts.



Not really wanting the gory details in his present condition, Leo decided
not to press the point any further until morning.

"We're going to Brighton at the weekend," Darren continued, licking his
lips, "On the coach!"

"Coach? Why?"

"Well," Shivering with anticipation, Darren grinned maniacally, "They have
everything on those luxury coaches now, food, videos...and really lovely
plush toilets."

The End



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