Title: Undercover Blues
Fandom: The Detectives (yes, the Brit comedy series with Jasper Carrot
Rating: Um...lets say PG-13ish. (sorry, I'm just not strong enough to
contemplate graphic Briggs/Louis sex!<g>)
Disclaimer: They ain't mine, they belong to the blessed Beeb.
Archive: At Britslash as usual.
Notes: Written in haste as usual, due to the fact that the standard
*not* have enough hours.
As in keeping with previous Britslash Halloween challenges, it has
most tenuous of links to Halloween<g>
As usual, everything is Helen's fault<g>
Warnings: Not really serious enough for warnings, but mentions
'Undercover' sounded really exciting, until Briggs and Louis arrived
'Master and Apprentice' in downtown seedy Soho, on a drizzly Halloween
evening. The scene that greeted them was positively breathtaking, as
beheld London's premier gay porn dungeon open for 'The Halloween
They'd received a memo, informing them that 'something big' was going
at this establishment tonight, All Hallows Eve, and they really needed
collar,....especially after that little incident with the Super, and
"Dave?" Bob Louis swallowed hard, as a man in leather trousers, with
panel, walked past, and winked. "I want to go home."
"Stop being so *wet*," Dave Briggs huffed, puffing out his chest, and
flexing his poor excuse for muscles. "We're here to work, remember?"
"Dave, that bloke just pinched my bum. I want to go home," Bob whined,
feel like a real *tit* dressed in this!"
"I suits you, it's very 'macho'," Briggs tried not to smile as he said
words, letting his gaze rake across the slightly too skinny form of
friend. Louis was dressed in leather trousers, which fell just a shade
loosely to be considered either fashionable, or sexy. A leather
with no shirt beneath, displaying an unimpressive pigeon chest, and a
heavily studded dog collar lay around his neck, to which was attached
Bob turned and glared, "I just want to know *who* decided that *I* was
sub, and got to wear the collar?"
"It's obvious, isn't it?"
"Well, you've got that 'ferrety' face. Men with ferret faces are
'bottoms'." Briggs smirked slightly, feeling that his explanation was
reasonable, and sensible.
"Bottom of what?" Louis asked suddenly.
Swallowing hard, Briggs cleared his throat, "Well...you know.." he
with his head, and winked slowly.
"No, I don't. Bottom of what?"
"No, not 'bottom *of* anything', just 'bottoms'." Briggs enunciated
word with precision, and without actually saying it out loud.
Louis continued to look bewildered, "What's wrong with my bottom?"
"Nothing, it's a lovely bottom!" Briggs cooed, "That's what I mean,
the best bottom, so you get to wear the collar!"
The puzzled look on Louis' face slowly metamorphosed into a smug grin.
Well, that's all right then."
The 'bear' at the door to the club nodded as Briggs handed over the
He briefly looked both men up, and down and smiled, a broken toothed
"S and M to the left, vanilla to the right, 'meat rack' straight
Briggs shrugged the leather jacket he wore, until the collar stood
against his neck, "Gotcha!" he sniffed, giving the leash to which
attached a brief tug.
"Hey, Dave, they've got a buffet!" Bob whispered, "Good job n'all, I'm
"Yeah, he said there was a meat rack up here somewhere. Wonder if
any spam sandwiches?"
Briggs shook his head amazedly, "Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob."
The room was almost dark. The only light source, a series of dim blue
sunk into the ceiling, giving an eerie glow. A number of cradles, and
were anchored to the far wall. One was currently occupied by a young
bound, chained, and slung easily for the taking of any passer-by.
"Why have they got baby bouncers in here? And swings too, look...is
"No, Bob. It's for...well...some men like to be restrained."
"The ones I arrest bloody well don't!"
"I mean 'restrained' for like...kinky sex."
"In a baby bouncer?"
"I suppose so, yeah. Lots of men have these 'baby fantasies', y'see."
Bob Louis thought for a moment, "So, how does being in a baby bouncer
you all hot, and bothered?"
"No idea mate. Probably something to do with the 'up and down
Briggs looked around, "C'mon Fido, let's check out the other rooms."
"Dave, when are we going to go find the nosh?"
"Don't you ever think about anything but your stomach?"
"Evening gentlemen, you're new here aren't you?" a voice said
Briggs, and Louis wheeled around to come face to chest with a solid
shaved, and polished muscle wearing little more than a leather thong.
"Erm, yeah. Just checking the place out, see if it's 'radical' enough
us," Briggs sneered.
"Oh, you're looking for something...'special'?"
"Of course!" Briggs laughed, finally focussing on the 'Tom Of Finland'
and the almost white blonde hair.
"Great, follow me," the big man turned around to flash an impressively
muscled rear, and wide shoulders, "We get so few *really* adventurous
here these days," he sighed, "It's always a pleasure to find gents
yourself, willing to push the limits."
Louis poked Briggs in the back with his finger, "What are you doing?"
"Getting us into the 'back rooms', Bob, where the 'action' goes on!"
"I don't want to see any 'action', I just want a sandwich, and to go
"Remember why we're here, Bob?"
"Because we drew the short straw, Dave?"
The blonde man opened a heavy, panelled door, and ushered Briggs, and
through. The room contained cages, crosses with manacles attached,
stools, and a very gothic iron bed.
"Would you like a couple of the boys to help you prepare?" the big man
asked, "Oh, sorry...how silly of me, of course you would, that's your
"Erm....yeah..right," Briggs visibly paled.
From the dimness, two huge leather-men appeared, heavily muscled, and
unnaturally good looking, with moustaches bushy enough to lose a
"What can we do for you, gentlemen?"
The blonde smiled, "Help them prep for a 'floorshow', if you would?"
suggested with a wink.
"Oh, wow...sure!" Bruno licked his lips, and looked Briggs, and Louis
and down appreciatively.
The thud that followed was merely Detective Bob Louis fainting.
"DAAAAAVVEE!" Louis' wails echoed through the building, "They're
electrodes on me nipples!"
"They're nipple clamps, Bob, totally harmless. Stop being such a
Briggs smiled as he watched his partner being manacled to the bed.
"It's all right for you, you're not the one being molested by the
"Bob, we're professionals, we can handle this."
Snorting derisively, Louis glared, "Huh! 'The Professionals' probably
this kind of thing a lot, they always looked a bit on the kinky side
Get me *out* of here!"
"Just relax, Bob. We might have to wing this," Briggs whispered as he
noticed the growing audience gathering. He'd decided that this was
*not* the moment to yell, 'Okay, police...this is a raid', considering
he, and a manacled Bob Louis, didn't constitute much of a raiding
"Wing it!" Louis shrieked, "Wing *what*?"
"Okay, honeybuns, you can strip now," a leather-clad giant whispered
Briggs' ear, "I'll help you into your harness. We're all really
forward to the floorshow."
The sight was one that would be talked about in the leather community
many years to come. As the finishing touches were added to Briggs'
and a 'ponytail' butt plug inserted, everyone cheered.
"Aw, ain't that sweet?" one audience member sniffled, as Briggs
across Louis, and tentatively leaned into kiss him.
"Worra ya doin'?" Louis mumbled, as Briggs covered his mouth.
"We have a choice, Bob. We can play 'hide the sausage' for the
of these good folks, or we can probably get 'orribly killed after
'Police, you're all under arrest.' I'll let *you* choose of course."
"Where's back up?" Louis hissed.
"Obviously still 'back up' on the street. Probably down the Dog and
if I know Nozzer."
"So, what do we do?"
Briggs swallowed hard, "Well, you just lie back, and think of England
"It's going to take me hours to get the feeling back in my nipples,"
whined, as they unclamped, unzipped, unclasped, and untied
to mention how I'm dreading trying to get that big blue bum plug out!"
winced, and chewed on his lip.
Briggs stopped, and turned to his partner, "What 'big blue bum plug'?"
"The one they handed me with the word 'Coke' down the side. It's
what they'll stick advertising on these days. It was a bugger to get
can tell ya!"
Briggs shook his head, "Bob, that was a can of Coke they gave
*drink*. It's so that the 'performers' don't get dehydrated."
"Oh...I wondered why it had got a ring pull top!"
"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob!"
"Oh well, *whatever*," Louis grumbled, trying to mask the 'popping'
and the groan of relief that accompanied it. "At least we didn't blow
cover!" he hissed.
Suddenly, the blonde giant slipped his head around the curtain, and
benevolently down at the errant policemen as they fought to get their
breath, and extricate themselves from the various appliances.
"Oh by the way, gents," he grinned. "Nozzer sends his love, and the
message: 'Gotcha! Happy Halloween'"
Staring in disbelief at each other, Briggs, and Louis chorused: "Nozzer?
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