Title: Dudes In Space
Author: K9
Fandom: Red Dwarf x The Authority (comic fandom)
Pairings: Apollo/Midnighter, Lister/The Doctor, Jack Hawksmoor/Rimmer
implied<g> Cat/Shen, Angie/Bob The Scutter
Rating: R
Website: http://www.skeeter63.org/k9kennel/

Email:  kaynyne@cableinet.co.uk

Notes: The Authority, though printed in the U.S is what I consider a 'Brit'
invention, since it was conceived by the wonderful Warren Ellis and drawn by
the delicious Hitch and Neary. I won't comment on what happened when the new
team of Millar and Quitely took over....except to say BLECH!

Anyway, for those who don't know.... (like the rest of the world other than
me and about three other people,<g>) the characters of Apollo and The
Midnighter are canon gay, which for a mainstream comic is still pretty
special, and their relationship is dealt with very maturely for the most

The Dwarfers should be familiar to most people here! Oh and I'm in denial
over the return of Kochanski...just FYI<g>

Don't expect miracles, this is my second 'seat of the pants' fic in a
week...it's very nerve wracking you know!<g>

Not beta-ed, won't even promise that it makes much sense, but it will earn
Comic Relief a couple of quid, so what the hell!

Happy Red Nose Day folks!


Dudes in Space


by K9

The Carrier's vast corridors stretched on for what felt like an eternity.
The sheer majesty of the ship was still a source of wonder for everyone,
even those who now called her 'home'.
The Midnighter and Apollo stood, and watched, as the elegant ship orbited
Earth; a sight still as beautiful to them now as the first time they saw it
from space.

Midnighter slid his leather-clad arm around his partners waist, and quietly
kissed his cheek. "You know Apollo, I'll be really glad when we get these
new refugees back to their own ship, they're weirding me out big time," he

Stifling a laugh, Apollo returned the friendly kiss, "Oh come on, Mid, there
are only four of them. On a ship this big, we never need to see them."

"Hellooo!" a strange voice echoed suddenly, "Yoo hoo, Mr Midnighter, sir?"

Both men turned to see the strangely shaped mechanoid stride jerkily down
the corridor towards them.

"I'm so sorry to disturb you, sirs, but have either of you seen my penis?"

Midnighter's jaw visibly dropped, and Apollo shrugged helplessly, unable to
think of a suitable reply.

"Your what?" The Midnighter growled at last.

"My penis, Archie. He seems to have given me the slip again. I was just
cleaning him, and he went off like a hare at a greyhound track!" Kryten
smiled his strange mechanoid smile. Suddenly he placed his hand on Apollo's
arm, and winked, "I'm sure you understand, Mr Apollo, sir. We men have these
little problems."

"Oh yeah, happens to me all the time," Apollo smiled weakly.

"Why isn't it...erm...'connected' to you...permanently?" Midnighter asked at
last, unable to rein in his curiosity any longer.

Clearly taken aback and looking slightly bemused, Kryten attempted another
sympathetic smile, "Well, that's a bit of a barmy notion, if you don't mind
me saying so, sir? Archie is hard enough to control as it is. He's up and
away at a moments notice. I never know when he's going to power up, and
scuttle away, looking for trouble wherever he goes. Why on *earth* would
anyone want to be attached to that?"

Apollo clapped his hand on Kryten's shoulder and grinned, "Why indeed!" he
assured the baffled mechanoid, while Midnighter shook his head ruefully.
"We'll keep a look out for him."

"Hey!" a woman's voice echoed down the corridor, "Metal head!"

Kryten looked up and smiled again, "Yes, Ma'am?"

"Get this coke can off me, or it's toast!" Angie growled, as Bob the Scutter
humped her leg urgently.

"Oh but Miss Angie, ma'am, he's just being friendly," Kryten moved in close
to whisper, "I think he's got a crush on you!"

"It's a fuckin' machine!" Angie roared, "It doesn't have *feelings*!"

Apollo coughed, The Midnighter smirked, and Kryten merely winked


Lister lay back on the bed, pulling hard on the slender joint before sighing
"Hey, this is really great stuff, man. 'Specially since I've been smokin' me
own socks to get high, for the past year!"

The Doctor grinned, "Yeah, I gotta say, it's been a real trip havin' you
here. These guys are pretty cool crime fighters but they jus' don't know how
to party!" he slurred.

"Try three million years with Rimmer, if you want to know the 'real' meaning
of 'boring,'" Lister chuckled.

The Doctor leaned across the bed and stroked Lister's ass lovingly, "Man,
you're a really good fuck too," he sighed, "I'm gonna miss you when you're


"I say, Captain, General, Hawksmoor, Sir?" Rimmer's nostrils flared and he
adopted his usual servile crouch, almost without realising it.

"It's just *Jack*," Jack Hawksmoor hissed between gritted teeth.

"Of course *Jack*," Rimmer grovelled.

"What do you want Mr Rimmer?" Jack took a deep breath and reminded himself
that these people were guests, and dismemberment wasn't an option. Despite
the fact that Angie was being stalked by a pair of pliers on wheels, The
Midnighter and Apollo were wandering through the carrier calling 'Archie,'
and when questioned explained that they were looking for a renegade penis,
and no one had seen The Doctor for several days, but there was a lot of
grunting noise, and a funny smells coming from his quarters. Oh and Shen?
Last time someone heard from her, she just said 'I Taw I Taw a
puddycat...Oh..I *did*!!!" and squealed.

His crew had gone insane and these guys had only been aboard for four days.
What was really scaring him, however, was that the Carrier had started to
greet Angie with the words 'What's happenin', dudes?'

"I was just wondering, Jack, if you have a position free on board that might
suit *my* talents? I mean, I'm so wasted on board Red Dwarf with those

"Well," Jack thought for a moment, "Apollo is the sun god, he can change the
suns rays into energy; he can fly, and at full power is probably damn near
unstoppable. Midnighter has an endoskeleton and musculature that's toughened
to withstand tremendous pressure, he's our 'Night's Bringer of War'. Angie
has the ability to 'become' machinery through the nannites in her blood, and
combine with the ship; she's The Engineer. The Doctor is the universal
Shaman. Shen can fly and I can talk to buildings, what can *you* do Mr

"Erm.....well, I'm pretty damned hot with blocked chicken soup nozzles?"


Nights aboard the Carrier could so easily blend into day, but Apollo and The
Midnighter always tried to keep their 'nights' special, a time to be
together, to enjoy the warmth of each others bodies, and try to forget what,
and who they were, even for just a few hours. Wanting to be just two normal
guys who loved each other.

Apollo felt Midnighter turn over, and spoon in behind him; a casual arm
slung around his waist. The so rarely unmasked face snuggled in between his
shoulder blades. All of this was punctuated with a slow, leisurely snore.

No matter what happened to them in this insane world, Apollo knew he could
handle it, as long as Mid was there by his side.

Suddenly, a familiar hardness pressed against him. He smiled wickedly; even
in his sleep the guy was a horny old dog!
Shifting his position slightly, Apollo sighed as he felt the heavy erection
begin to push against his ass, until eventually it slipped inside of him.
Gasping at the coolness, he bit his lip....Mid was using that damned
'CoolGel' again, shit it made him shudder, but it felt *incredible*.
"You're a cruel bastard," he whispered, "But don't stop..."

The Midnighter merely grunted and tightened his grip on Apollo's waist.

A steady rhythm began to build, and Apollo allowed himself to relax into the
sensation. A long, slow fuck was just what he needed right now

Suddenly, Midnighter began to move. Withdrawing his arm sleepily, he rolled
over and got out of the bed.

"I knew I shouldn't have had those six beer," he muttered, "I gotta piss,

It took a few moment before Apollo registered the fact that he could still
feel Mid inside of him...he could still feel....

The girly scream that echoed the Carriers corridors was barely recognisable
as the legendary Apollo; sun god, and kick ass member of The Authority.


They were rare moments, when Jack Hawksmoor longed for the tortuous alien
spaceships that had haunted him since childhood, to come get him...but this
was one of them.
Arnold J. Rimmer was sending him crazy. When Jack had opened his eyes that
morning, Rimmer had been standing over him, offering to help him dress.
Hell, he'd even offered to shower with him, and scrub his back! The guy was
a serious schmuck, and he suddenly felt a twinge of sympathy with the other
weirdo's aboard Red Dwarf. If they'd been stuck with him all these years,
and still stayed as sane as they were, they were better men than he was.

If you could call *that* sane.

Entering the control room, Jack noticed a very harassed Angie already hooked
up to the Carrier.

"Look, I just need to know if we can enter the bleed, that's all!" she
sighed, "If we need to get through to the alternate universes in a hurry,
can it be done?"

"Well," the ship mumbled....it suddenly had a voice. "That sort of thing
takes calculations, ya know. You sure you don't want to ask the toaster?"

"No, I'm asking *you*," Angie rubbed her temples wearily.

"Oh, righty ho. Just gimme a few minutes, dudes."

Jack shook his head; this was insane, his ship and crew were falling apart
because of a space beatnik, a hologram, a man evolved from cats and a
demented mechanoid with a roving penis.

They *had* to go.

Hearing a commotion in the corridor, Jack decided he should investigate.

"Just don't touch me!" Midnighter raged. He stormed along the corridor and
past Jack like a hurricane sweeping through a small town, hurling objects
out of his way as he went.

"Mid, *please*, I'm sorry, okay?" Apollo pleaded.

"Fuck you!" Midnighter snarled.

"Mid, it wasn't my fault, I thought it was you!"

"It was a fucking *metal* dildo, thanks *so* much!"

Jack watched open mouthed, "What..?"

The Midnighter grabbed Jack by the shirt and moved in close, "Do *not*
fucking ask, Hawksmoor, okay?" he snarled.

Holding up his hands in surrender, Jack shrugged, "You got it."

"Mid, please, let's talk..." Apollo grabbed Midnighters arm.

Ignoring his lover's pleas, Midnighter continued to glare at Jack. "I'm
going to check out astrophysics, the dumb blonde here, is going to be
someplace else, if he knows what's good for him. That clear?"

"Crystal," Jack smiled weakly.

Midnighter strode angrily from the main deck, with his errant mate tagging
along behind, begging forgiveness for...well...something. He shoved two
lurching figures out of the way, leaving them both slumped against the
Carrier's hull, giggling and groping each other openly.

"Well, Doctor, nice of you to join us. And, Mr Lister, right?" Jack sighed.

Extricating his tongue from Lister's tonsils, The Doctor smiled woozily,
"Hey man, how's it going?" he snorted.

"Are you high again?"

"Yeah," The Doctor looked at Lister, and they both began to giggle. "We been
sniffin' some weird shit for the past day, and I only just found out that it
was Dave's underwear!" he hiccupped, "Radical, man!"

Jack frowned, "So that's why you both have red noses?"


Kryten walked jerkily down the corridor, until he found the room marked
'Shen's Nest.' Gingerly, he trapped the box he was carrying under his arm;
it moved violently from side to side, until he thumped on the lid.

"Now you just behave, Archie! You've managed to get me in enough trouble
with your erratic behaviour, already. If you continue with this anti-social
attitude, I'll just have to restrain you." He shook his head, "Mr Midnighter
is *very* cross with you. And as for Mr Apollo.." the box began to leap
around in frustrated joy. "Absolutely not! That's not why I made you! It's
very rude to creep up on gentlemen that way." With a look of mild disgust,
Kryten tapped politely on the door.

"What?" an angry female voice snapped.

"Erm, excuse me, Ma'am, is the Cat there with you?"

"Why?" Shen snarled.

"We're almost ready to leave."

Suddenly the door opened and a semi-naked Cat peered out, a feather poking
out of his teeth, "What, already?"

"I'm afraid so, Sir."

"Just gimme a minute," Cat smirked, "Hey, make that thirty minutes, I'll try
to be quick!" he leered before being dragged back into the room.


There was a feeling of intense relief as Jack watched the Red Dwarf sail out
into space and hopefully back to their own time. The Carrier had reluctantly
helped The Engineer repair the Holly Hop drive, which should eventually get
the ship three million years into the future, and that damned crew out of
Jack's hair for good.

Apollo and Midnighter were still fighting, The Doctor was still stoned, Shen
was collapsed in her room; exhaustion from the look of things, and Angie was
swearing almost constantly because the ship was 'in love' with Holly and
didn't want him to leave.

Suddenly, the Red Dwarf began to shudder and stopped...damn the Carrier, it
had sabotaged the repair.

Visions of Arnold Rimmer in his bedroom again, naked, and offering himself
as a love slave, rather than return to Red Dwarf, made Jack shudder.
"Angie," he yelled, "Get us out of here....*fast*!"

The End



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