Fandom: Queer As Folk
Title: If Ever I Would Leave You
By: Koenig
Pairing: Vince Tyler / Stuart Alan Jones
Rating: NC-17
Status: new / complete
Archive: yes

Feedback: please,  kieren_56@yahoo.co.uk 

Spoilers: no

Disclaimers: no profit made, no copyright infringement
intended. All characters belong to Russell T. Davies /
Red Productions/Channel Four - except the shrink<g>

Warning! : n-c m/m sex, memories of child abuse

Summary: Vince keeps having these odd nightmares...


IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU

by Koenig

The very long corridor was still vaguely rectangular.
Gradually it lost shape, water began to filter through - it had
become a tunnel, every patch on the ground, every growth on the walls,
every pendant from the ceiling were organic. Living tissue turning
into an assortment of ruptured arteries and veins. Blood,
blood dripping from above. It was a cave with many arms and hands and long
fingers. Vince kept on running. He tried to look back, but behind him
there was only nothingness - dark and cold. No tunnel, no corridor.
Then the voices started "Quiet! Be Still!" "Quiet!!!" in a crescendo
that ended with a terrible crashing sound that ripped the cave open,
let in the moonlight and woke up Vince, shaking, sweating, clammy
to the touch. Except for Stuart's hands and arms that held him and
rocked him to sleep. No words were exchanged in the night.

BREAKFAST

"I still think you should see someone about that
nightmare. You say it's always the same, right? It's got to mean
something."

Vince gulped down the remaining hot chocolate and
smiled feebly.

"You sound like...God. Like me, I guess. Am I such a
pain?"

"Occasionally. But seriously, try to solve this
thing."

"You want some quality sleep?"

"I want you without dark circles under your eyes. I
want your hands to be steadier when all you're doing is holding an
empty cup. I want you to get rid of whatever's eating you up, okay?"

"Point taken."

"Good, because I took the liberty of..."

"Nothing good ever followed that intro, Stuart."

"First time for everything, come on - give me a chance
here. I'm trying to be the supportive, caring partner."

"Very well, supportive, caring partner - the liberty
of...?"

"Making an appointment with you to go see Dr.Thorne."

"Shrink?" Vince asked in mock terror?"

Stuart held his right hand and caressed it. "Good
shrink. Trust me."

"You've been a patient of hers, or is it of his and
he's dead good looking?"

"I've been her patient, yeah. Long time ago.
Appointment's for 6 PM, I tried earlier, but she's still *that* popular..."

"How is she?"

"70." Stuart chuckled "No, she's a good person, she's
fine. Besides, the most important thing now is that she's who you
need - of that I'm pretty much convinced. Here's the address and a lovely
card for you to get there. And fill up these forms."

"Does she know about... us?"

"She knows a lot about me, she's heard a lot about you
- and yes, all good things. She told me several times it was beyond
her why you stayed around. I asked, just as a bad joke, you know,
if it was your only character flaw. She denied it very firmly. Seems
extreme loyalty to people you love is a major character quality.
Ultra-plus."

"Makes me sound like a cross between toothpaste and
disposable diapers..."

"Your loyalty or the Ultra-plus?"

Vince threw him a piece of toast embedded in raspberry
jam

"Fine, I'll go see her. Give me the paperwork."

"I'll pick you up afterwards, okay?"

"Why, is she going to drug me on my first visit?"

"No, but, it might be 7, or even later. It's a long
way from home."

"Stuart, the other side of our front door seems a long
way from home to me these days."

"All the more reason for you to see her and for me to
pick you up. Subject closed?"

"I guess."

"By consensus?"

"Fuck, you're really a pain in the ass when you want
to."

"I'll try to be gentle with you next time."

Blessed laughter. First step had been taken. Vince
hoped Stuart would be pleased. Just that. Stuart hoped Vince would heal.
High expectations indeed.


FIRST SESSION

"I feel we've met before. Stuart talked about you for
hours. Self-recrimination, mostly. How is he?"

"He's had a bumpy ride. But it's the right ride, and
we're in it together..."

"Yes, I can see that would make all the difference for
him. Now let's talk about what brings you here."

"Stuart made me come. I came to please him. I told him
everybody has nightmares once in a while..."

"Several nightmares? Or a reoccurring one?"

"Oh, it's the same. It tries to change little details
to terrify me more each time I think I know what's coming, but it's
the same."

"I won't ask you to describe it for me now. It can be 
your 'homework'. Amazing how much better people
remember their dreams when they're not face to face with their
psychiatrist..."

"So what will you ask me? Or is this where I tell you
about my miserable childhood? Because I didn't have a miserable
one. Just a bit lonely at first."

"How 'first'?"

"14..." 

"Just like Stuart."

"I'm sure Stuart had lots of friends back in Ireland."

"This is where the pompous shrink says nothing. I'll
tell you I know. I won't tell you what I know, but he will if you ask
him. I mean, if you think it's important enough."

"Long time ago... No point."

"Yes, I know the words. I also know the look and it's
begging 'tell me', so that's your second home assignment."

"Christ, I'm afraid to say anything else. Can't you
ask me something, you know, just for a change...?"

"Let me see... When did you first have this
nightmare?"

"I don't remember the exact day, or maybe I'll
remember it later, but it was at least two weeks ago..."

"It's a long time to suffer in silence. I imagine you
tried to go on with your job as usual?"

"Yes, but I was unfocused. Yet I liked being there. I
was afraid of my 'bedtime' - kept changing it every night. It drove
Stuart mad! ...no. That's not fair. Stuart's been nothing but
supportive. And loving."

"Stuart's changed."

"Yes." First smile. First blush. 

First glow. So in love...

"So did anything work? Did you try herbal teas?
Sleeping pills?"

"I tried those, yes. They made me go to sleep earlier
on. It only meant that the by the end of the nightmare it was time
for me to get up anyway. So I gave all that up. And suffered in
silence, yeah..."

"Was there a single night you didn't have the
nightmare?"

"No."

"Has something happened to you recently that could
have somehow triggered it? Or to someone close to you?"

"You mean like births, marriages and deaths? No."

"Might be simpler. Someone moved away? Someone got
divorced? 
Promoted?"

"No. I mean, no one close enough to matter."

"How tall are you in your nightmare? Do you see things
from above, close to the ground, at your normal height?"

"Normal, but now that you mention it, could be that
the places aren't really so gigantic. Maybe I'm shorter. Like a child,
isn't that what you mean?"

"Full marks, Vince. So you're a child, or a teenager.
What does that say to you?"

"Aren't you the one who's supposed to tell me?"

"I've only just met you. I have to see what you see.
Through your eyes, words... Then I go all impartial and analyze you
and dissect you and you pay for my next holidays. Fair?"

"Other words come to mind..."

"Two smiles on a first session is very rare. People
are either paralyzed with fear or extremely defensive, which
means one step away from becoming dangerously aggressive."

"Guess I feel at ease here."

"Away from bedtime? Could be. So tell me what you
think it means, being so much younger in your nightmares?"

"I don't know... Could it be that I never grew at all?
Emotionally?"

"It could be that... Or a million other things.
Doesn't anyone come first to mind? Tell me the first word that comes to
you when you think of your nightmare. Don't think it, just tell
me!"

"Running!..." It had come out as a shout "I'm
sorry..."

"I forced it to you. And we have a word that's raw.
One that your conscious self had no time to embellish. Good. Now,
are you running from something or someone, or are you trying to reach
some place, some shelter, some friend?"

"Both, I think. But when I look back the things I was
running away from are no longer there. Except I can't go back
because there is *nothing* there. So I have to keep running... and I
do. And then I wake up and Stuart holds my hand, rocks me like a
baby, let's me rest on his body... I think I would have done something
stupid if he wasn't there. Because all I want to do when I wake up
is..."

"What? What do you want to do Vince? Is it so
terrible?"

"I want to cut my wrists and sit there watching myself
die. I want to jump off the window. I want to... stop the pain. But
Stuart's there, and I remember there's a good reason right there not
to do any of those things."

"Does it frighten you - knowing you might wake up once
without him being there?"

First tear. First hollow sob. "Yes."

"I don't think there's much more we can do today. I'm
prescribing you these hypnotics. One after dinner. If they act like
the other things you've tried, you call me the following day and come
to see me again. If they give you some rest, we have a date for this
same hour a week 
from today. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Promise to call me or be here?"

"You don't need me to promise you that..."

"No, but I'd still think it might be a good idea for
you to listen to yourself saying it..."

"Devious..." Third smile. "I promise to be here at
this same time a week from today except if your placebo doesn't work."

"What makes you think it's a placebo?"

"Doesn't matter what I think. My brain won't shut down
this easily."

"I hope not. We were just aiming for a little rest."

"Okay. See you Doctor."

"I hope so."

Vince had no qualms about tearing up the prescription
just outside the clinic. Stuart could have seen him and he knew
that. But he hadn't.

"So, how was it? Do you hate me or are you deigning to
come back?"

"I'll be back. Kiss?"

"Yes, you deserve more than a kiss, though."

Stuart unzipped Vince's jeans and pulled out his
throbbing cock. He did his tongue magic, and then he swallowed it whole,
almost-but-not-quite choking.

"Stuart! What if someone sees?"

But Stuart's mouth remained occupied for a few minutes
more.

"Stuart!..." This time it was pleasure.

"Tastes good. Now let's go home, yes?"

He squeezed Vince's right hand for reassurance. 

EVENING AT HOME
"We should have stuck to takeaways. Admit it!"

"I'll admit nothing until you taste my sauce
carbonara"

"But the macaroni is not even 'al dente' any more.
Seems like something that's already been eaten and regurgitated."

"Eugh! You're in a foul mood, Vincent Tyler. Tell you
what, taste it in me."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me. I'll take the stupid shirt off and go
lie on my belly. Then you bring yourself, my sauce and a spoon and use
my back."

"Kinky! Can't I have you naked and use your buttocks,
the back of your thighs? Your neck?"

"Sure! And you call me kinky! Takes some cheek."

"Yes, I bet it'll taste lovely there..."

Evening meal. Evening sex. Evening movie.


BEDTIME

Nightmare repeating


NEXT MORNING

"Worse than ever?"

"I forgot to take that pill Doctor, but that can't be
it."

"No. What did Stuart think?"

"He was scared. I don't think he'd ever thought I
could go around the house threatening to kill myself with a kitchen
knife... I screwed up big time. I'm sure he won't put up with me for much
longer."

"Give him some credit. He brought you here, didn't he?
He's worried. More than yesterday, sure. But that doesn't mean he's
going to leave... You'll definitely have to catch up on your
sleep, though. Here. This time you can't tear up any precription."

"You saw?"

"I knew."


BACK HOME

"Kicked in yet?"

"Hmm, what?"

"The new pills, aren't you felling sleepy?"

"No more than usual, no."

"Let's try to go to bed. It's way past eleven... Go
on..."

They made it to the bed. Stuart was beginning to
appear just as much of a wreck as Vince. All he wanted now was some sleep.
Any kind. He had even thought of asking Vince for one of his pills.
But he didn't.Vince had taken the 2 pills he was supposed to. He
only felt horny.

"Vince? What are you doing?"

"What does it feel like I'm doing?"

"Look, I appreciate all that devotion to my ass,
but... Ouuuch!"

"Two in, two to go."

"Are you fuckin' crazy? You should be sleeping!"

Vince ignored him, his whole body weight pinning
Stuart to the bed, his four fingers beating a rapid retreat to make way
for his cock.

"No! Vince stop it! I don't feel like it!"

"Shut the fuck up, or do you want me to gag you? You
do?" In a burst of activity Vince took care of things. Stuart was
gagged, handcuffed and his feet were shackled to the bed. Two pillows
propped up his ass.

//No! Please, Vince, no! You're hurting me...What's
the matter with 
you. God!! Nooo!...//

Vince rode him good and hard. No tenderness, no love. 

//Why? Was it something I...? No!//

Vince came. And went back in.

//Please, no more... please...//

Stuart was about to pass out when stage one of the
ordeal was terminated. Now Vince shoved his cock unceremoniously
into Stuart's mouth, barely un-gagged.

Vince could see that Stuart was crying. Bleeding.
Ravaged. He didn't care. He left him tied up and handcuffed and went to
sleep off his brand new Guilt on the living room.
//There! Now I raped him! I did! Now he has the best
possible reason to throw me out...I only hope he does it soon...//


AT THE CLINIC FOLLOWING DAY

"It wasn't rape! It..."

"You told him to stop and he didn't. Beyond a certain
point you couldn't even complain. It tallies with one thing he
told me, that he didn't know why you hadn't thrown him out yet. He was
sure you would. This was his way to press his case, I suppose. Stuart,
do you still love him? Do you still want him to heal whatever wound
is in his mind?"

"Yes! If I didn't this wouldn't be the place I would
have come to..."

"You'll have to persuade him that you won't throw him
out. Ever. But make sure he knows he can leave whenever *he* wants
to."

"I'll try my best."

"Wish medicine could offer you more than 'good luck'
at this point, but it's all about yourselves and it's too entangled."

"I know."

"What about you, are you still in pain?"

"Just a little. The bleeding stopped almost
immediately. So I used some disinfectant and took a couple of aspirins."

"Because any hospital you'd go through would have to
report to the police?"

He nodded

"It's probably right for 99% of the cases. But I've
always had trouble with majorities. Very dangerous. Would you
like me to examine you, just to make sure there's no infection, no
internal bleeding. I only have my conscience to report to..."

"Would you?"

"Come with me."


SAME PLACE 
FOLLOWING WEEK

"The unexpected guest that comes in the night... It
seems incredible how your mind buried those memories so deeply and for
so long."

"I know. I was only 13. I think by the time I met
Stuart I had already forgotten all about it..."

"What was it? Why did you stop?"

Sobs. Convulsive. Gut-wrenching. Soul-tearing

"Because of what that bastard did to me... I... I
raped Stuart! God, I raped him! And I left him there all night. In
pain..."

Dr. Thorne opened the door. Stuart came in.

"Vince! I've missed you..."

He tried to hug him, but Vince fell at his feet.

"I'm sorry, I am! Please don't hate me."

Stuart helped him up. "I love you. When is that ever
going to sink? Serves me right for 16 years of cowardice, I suppose."

They kissed.

"So did you find out if the guy's still alive?"

"He died last year."

"Painfully?" Stuart's bitterness from before. But it
went under when Vince told him "Yes. We've killed him today in my
dream. Thanks for being there."

"Thanks for letting me in... Home now?"

"Oh yess! Home and Carbonnara sauce! On me..."

"Thanks for everything Doctor." They both meant it.
She sat down at her desk when they had left, and scribbled on a piece
of paper 'Memo: Happiness this side of the grave Ref/Cf: SAJ&VT'

Inside the jeep Stuart made his point yet again, just
on the odd chance Vince hadn't 'got it' yet "Oh no, not Winter,
Summer, Spring or Fall / If ever I would leave you, leave you at all"

"And I won't. Ever. Repeat after me, Vince : We are
together"

"We are together."

Happiness. Wherever.


FINIS


[BritSlash Fiction Archive]  [BritSlash Contents Page]