Title: The Best Laid Plans of Monkeys and Men
Author: Losh
Email: loki@globalreach.net 
Fandom: Indiana Jones - Raiders of the Lost Ark
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything... which is probably for the best.
Archive: Sure, just ask first please.
Rating: PG-13
Note: I'm warped. I admit this. But dude... some things I just can't resist. But have no fear, I won't make ya'll suffer through my Temple of Doom theory. Oh, I also didn't know what the monkeys real name was in the movie so, duh, I made one up.

The Best Laid Plans of Monkeys and Men

by Losh

As fortune would have it, Schpankie was sitting on the table about to enjoy
a nice piece of fruit when he saw the man for the first time. Sure he
wasn't one of the True Race but that didn't matter. Herr Monkey was
Adolf's favorite, which gave him certain rights and freedoms and loving a
non-Aryan was gonna be one of those rights. Ok, sure, his brothers and
sisters would give him a hard time and tug his tail mercilessly but that
didn't matter. He had found the perfect human and even a nice ripe banana
couldn't compare.

"Eep eep." He called out loudly to the children surrounding him hoping the
tall human would notice him. He stretched and showed off his sleek body
when he noticed the tall man smile his way. "Eep!" Schpankie cried as he
accidentally knocked over a cup of juice. Quickly he climbed the nearest
body and dried his paws off on the cloth. Luckily this put him at eye
level with the man, who was now smiling directly at him.

Schpankie preened and imposed his monkey will on the weak-minded female,
whose clothing he had cleaned his paws on. He had her turn so his nice
firm and fluffy tail would be displayed for the man to see. Herr Monkey
was happy when he heard the appreciative chuckle the man gave as he eyed
Schpankie's tail.

Herr Schpankie sat underneath the table as the man and his friend talked,
hoping to find out what the man's name was but discovered more than he
bargained for when he learned that the tall handsome man was working
against his Adolf. What was worse was the fact that the man had the true
key to finding the treasure that they had been searching for.

But that was okay because... Indy! His name was Indy! Schpankie's heart
soared when he finally learned the man's name especially since it rhymed
with his own. Yes, today was definitely a day to celebrate. Tonight he'd
eat a few dates, drink some wine and hopefully get some human. The one
thing that bothered him was that he'd have to get used to the fact that his
Indy's tail was located in the front instead of the back where all proper
tails should be found. But first he had to report this conversation to his
contact. "Eeeeeep," he quietly sighed at that last thought.


Once again he forced his awesome monkey will on the stupid female and
demanded she carry him when she and Indy left for the market. He figured
he could make his escape in the loud bustle of the Market Square without
alarming his Indy too much.

Schpankie had hoped to learn more about Indy's plans for finding the
treasure during the walk to the market but had to make his escape, sooner
then he planned, after he'd had enough of the female's mindless prattle. 
There was only so much a monkey could take. He could handle Indy teasing
him when he said he didn't want him around but when the over-ripe smelling
female called *him* a girl... well that was just too much. 

Schpankie nipped the furless female's arm and ran off to meet with his
contact and made the man carry him to the secret meeting place. He just
wasn't up to walking. His stomach hurt. That was the last time he'd bite
a furless female ever again.

"Zieg Eep!" Schpankie said, giving the secret code so the men would know
who he was. He informed them that there had been a change in plans. They
were to separate Indy from the female and then dispose of her body quickly
and quietly. Yeah, this was the way it had to be. He couldn't allow the
female to even think of getting between him and Indy. He knew she would
only be trouble if allowed to live.

Schpankie watched in horror from his perch on his one-eyed contact's
shoulder. "Eeep! Eep screech eepscreech!" Schpankie cried, his voice
filled with fear, as the men in dresses attacked his lovely Indy instead of
just kidnapping the flealess female. They were gonna pay for that mistake
with their lives if it was the last thing he did. 

Herr Schpankie stared in puzzlement as his Indy fought his men, defending
the dumb female. A monkey does all this planning for his man and what does
he do? He ruins it by being too thick-skulled to understand all the work,
sweat and fleas that went into this sorta thing. Men were stupid, but wow,
his man sure could fight.

*Keeeerack* *Keeerack* 

Yes, his love might be mucking up all his careful plans but he did do it
with a style. The way he handled the long artificial tail to keep the men
from getting too close was just unbelievable. Yes, this was definitely a
man who could give him good tail.

Herr Schpankie watched as Indy tossed the banana-hating female into the
back of the cart. Realizing this was the moment he needed, he motioned at
the horse to take off. He then screeched to a couple of his men to take
care of her while the rest distracted Indy from going to her rescue.

"Screech! Eeep! Eepscreech! Eep!" Schpankie cursed the stupid tailless
freaks that he was forced to work with. It was a good thing he'd decided
to follow and make sure they disposed of the woman with no trace. They had
been chasing the smelly female for a bit now and now... Now they had just
run right past her hiding place. Could they not smell her foul odor when
they ran past?

"Scruueep!" Schpankie commanded his men to get rid of the female. He was
gonna meet back up with his Indy so no suspicions would fall onto him. 
That was the last thing he wanted.


"Eeeep!" She was dead! Finally! Herr Schpankie rejoiced at this fact and
now would be able to comfort his beloved Indy about the loss of his friend
and get on with his valuable work to help his country find the treasure
before anyone else, including Indy, discovered it. He loved it when things
worked out his way.


Schpankie held Indy's hand in his paw and reassured him that everything
would work out in the end. Sure, he didn't really mean any of the nice
words he said but that didn't mean he couldn't fake the emotion behind
them. He was just about to convince Indy that they should head home so
that he could console Indy properly when two of his men showed up.

"Der Herr in den bar mit medienen sprechen. Kommen sie bitten mituns." 

Schpankie couldn't hold back his "Ut-eep." when Indy misunderstood and
thought they were speaking to him when they asked Schpankie to join the
gentleman in the bar. He loved his human but damn the man wasn't too
bright. Good thing he had his looks going for him.

Still irritated about the interruption, Schpankie reached over from his
perch on Indy's shoulders and clawed at the German's ear when Indy walked
past him. When the man jerked back and actually had the audacity to glare
back at him, Schpankie put the man on his list of those who must suffer his
monkey wrath.

Belloq! Schpankie growled the name to himself. Schpankie didn't know what
Belloq wanted but he knew it'd probably be no good. He didn't start to
worry until he saw that all the men in the room carried some sort of

Damn Belloq! Damn him to a monkey-free Hell! He should have known that
Belloq had not been happy when he had broken it off between them, but that
had been over six months ago. Damn him for holding a grudge. Schpankie
couldn't believe that Belloq had actually thought he could get away with
it. No one messes with Adolf's little monkey. No one. He'd even made
sure that Belloq had known from the beginning that he was a love 'em and
leave 'em sorta monkey. Well that was the past and this was now and there
was no way he'd allow Belloq to hurt his Indy. There had to be something
he could do. But what? Then he heard them. Children. That was the key. 
He'd get the children to help him save his precious Indy.

"Eep! Eep!" Schpankie commanded the street kids to rush in and surround
Indy. He followed them into the bar and jumped on top of the closest
table. His breath caught in his throat when he saw all the guns aimed at
his precious Indy. He calmed and breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed
they'd arrived just in time to prevent Belloq's nefarious plans to murder
his Indy. Yes, he would pay for his jealousness. Indeed. Schpankie's
heart soared and he chittered his happiness as Indy paused to pick him up
and placed him on his shoulder and stroked his back as thank you for coming
to his rescue.

Schpankie peered out from around the cab of the truck that Indy had placed
him in for safety. "Ut-eep." he muttered, when he saw that his one-eyed
contact had followed him. He hoped that his feelings for this non-Aryan
weren't too obvious. Schpankie ducked back into the truck and decided to
not worry about things he had no control over at the moment especially
since he was on his way home with his Indy and tonight would be their


Schpankie sat and listened to Indy and his friends worry about his people
finding the Ark before them. He wished he could help his Indy but he knew
that his Adolf needed it more and had much bigger and better plans for its
use. He'd just make sure that he made it up to his Indy for not letting
him get the Ark. Schpankie was sure his Indy would like that much much

Herr Schpankie eyed the plate of dates that the boy placed on the table in
front of him. Mmmmm dates. Those had always been his one weakness. Most
monkeys loved bananas and Schpankie did like them too but dates… Dates he

Tired... so tired...


{If only he'd known. He still couldn't believe he'd been betrayed in such
a manner by his faithful contact. They'd been a team since before the war.
Schpankie even knew how he'd lost his eye... which was a whole 'nother
story. But it didn't matter. None of it did now except revenge and he had
made sure he had that. Oh yes, he definitely had had his revenge. 

Being a ghost really wasn't such a bad thing if you ignored the fact that
you couldn't have any physical contact with your true love but there was a
trade off. He found his new ability to speak directly to a persons
subconscious quite handy. Death did have its advantages and he made sure
to use them all.

He'd made sure that his one-eyed contact died in a grisly, painful and
embarrassing way for taking Belloq's money to poison his dates.

As for Belloq... Schpankie chittered evilly at the thought of what had
become of his ex. Yes, Belloq had definitely paid dearly for his jealousy.
He'd whispered words of advice and encouragement to his Indy which allowed
Indy to be the one to find the Ark first and the one to survive its
opening. Humph. He was a tad disappointed that Indy had told the ugly
female to close her eyes too, he'd have enjoyed watching her die the same
death as Belloq. Oh well, can't have everything besides he had time on his
side. He would make sure she died painfully too.

As for his little Adolf... Schpankie had not been a happy monkey when he
discovered that Adolf had known how Schpankie had died and that Belloq had
been behind it and he hadn't condemned Belloq for his actions. But what
had hurt the most was that his Adolf hadn't even shed a tear over him. 
There was only one thing Schpankie could do that would hurt his Adolf and
that was to make sure that Indy's homeland won the war. Schpankie sighed
at that thought. Not because hurting his Adolf bothered him but because to
have his revenge he'd have to leave his Indy's side and that... that really
tore his heart out.

But afterwards... Afterwards he'd find his Indy and take care of him
properly. He'd watch over him and his heirs, if he had any that is, and in
his spare time, he'd see about making the world a better place. Where
monkey and man could live in harmony. And maybe, just maybe monkeys would
prove to mankind that they were his equal... if not superior. Yes, now
that he thought about it, the idea of chimpanzee, orangutan, gorilla and
all the others working and living together governing man and controlling
his wild impulses. No war. No famine. Just peace.

Yeah, Herr Schpankie da Monkey could see the future clearly. A planet
governed by his race, guided by his paw. A Planet of Apes.}

~ fin ~

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