|Fandom: 'Allo 'Allo!
Title: The Lieutenant, The Lance Corporal and The Wardrobe
Pairing: René/Gruber and Yvette/Helga
Rating: I don't have a clue, sorry
Archive: If you like
The Lieutenant, The Lance Corporal and The Wardrobe
"Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once..."
René rolled his eyes to heaven and sighed. He and Edith had been summoned
to the back room of Café René by a wildly gesturing Michelle of the
Resistance, who had appeared like a phantom from the night and stuck her
head around the door behind the bar.
"I 'ave a plan to get the British airmen back to England. We must contact
London on the radio".
"The café is full of Germans," whined René, "can this not wait?"
"No, in order for the plan to succeed, we will need the assistance of
British Intelligence," replied Michelle earnestly. "I am sure you can find
a way to distract the Germans while I slip upstairs."
"You kid bring fearward the cibaret." Suggested Crabtree, as he entered the
room through the window and drew the curtains.
"Oh not you as well!" René moaned.
Ignoring René's irritation, the British agent continued, "I have brought
back the earmen, roddy for the escape plin. They have been heeding with moo
at the poloce station." He turned back towards the window and called out
"Come in, you chaps". Two more police officers popped their heads around
the curtains and cheerfully chorused "Hallo!"
"René, go and announce Madame Edith, then while she is singing, I can slip
down the back passage and up the stairs." ordered Michelle. "I will take the
airmen up with me, and 'ide them in the wardrobe of your wife's mother."
"Oh, very well." muttered René, unconvinced.
René walked nonchalantly back in to the bar, and as Edith headed for the
piano, he beckoned to the waitresses, Yvette and Mimi.
"'Ere, take this wine over to the table of the Colonel and keep 'im and the
Captain busy for a moment. You 'ad better take this cheese as well, Madame
Edith is going to sing."
Just as he was about to make the announcement, Lieutenant Gruber entered and
hurried across to the bar, looking nervous. He leaned over towards René,
who caught his breath at the rather strong smell of Cologne.
"René I must speak with you, alone." He spoke quietly and urgently.
René looked at him uncomfortably.
"It is not really convenient at the moment Lieutenant, my wife is about to
sing and I 'ave to mind the bar."
"It will only take a moment, René" he insisted, "why do you not slip in to
the back room, and I will follow in just a moment."
"Yes, I am sure you would be right behind me Lieutenant, look, why do you
not go and sit with the Colonel and the Captain, there is plenty of cheese,
and I will see you later, uh?"
"Very well, René, until later then." replied the Lieutenant, and he smiled
René watched Gruber as he made his way over to the table by the window,
currently occupied by Nouvion's Town Commandant, Colonel Von Strohm, and the
Italian Captain, Bertorelli. Yvette was perched on the Colonel's knee,
giggling at something he had just whispered to her. Mimi was similarly
occupying the attention of the Captain. Good. René's eyes where drawn back
to Yvette. Her shiny, black skirt had ridden up a little and he could see
her garter...but this was no time to get distracted, he had a very
persistent Resistance leader and two British airmen to smuggle up the
"Ladies and Gentlemen," he began, "it is my great pleasure to announce that
it is, once again, cabaret time at Café René. Please give a very warm...a
very..." It was no good, he couldn't maintain his enthusiasm. Resignation
crept in to his voice as he finished, "I give you, Madame Edith."
* * * * * * * * * *
You may be wondering why you find me dressed in the uniform of a German
Colonel, accompanied by my waitress Yvette, who is disguised as a German
Captain and 'eading for the Chateau. Well, I will tell you. Even now, my
wife, Michelle, Mimi and that British idiot Crabtree are all disguised as
farmers working a night shift. They are taking the two British airmen, who
are disguised, would you believe, as scarecrows, to a field where they will
be picked up by a plane and flown to England. Yvette and I are to go to the
Chateau, disguised in these uniforms made in Saville Row, to steal the plans
for the invasion of England from the safe in the quarters of Lieutenant
Gruber. From there, we are to go to the field in time for the rendezvous
with the plane so that the plans can be taken to British Intelligence. It
is obvious, is it not? As if this were not enough, last night, Lieutenant
Gruber warned me that both Herr Flick of the Gestapo and General Von
Klinkerhoffen suspect me of working with the resistance and 'ave put the
café under surveillance. He also mentioned that the garrison would tonight
be out on manoeuvres somewhere in the fields surrounding Nouvion, yet
Michelle still expects that we will get a plane to land without anyone
noticing. Even I am amazed by 'ow 'arebrained this scheme is. Still, the
Chateau will be nearly empty, and with any luck, the whole thing will be
ruined before I get anywhere near a field filled with German soldiers,
British airmen and Resistance girls with guns.
* * * * * * * * * *
Michelle motioned for everyone to drop down and hide behind the hedge. They
had reached the field where the rendezvous with the British plane was to
take place, but there was an army staff car parked in the gateway.
"We will have to keep out of sight." Warned Michelle, in a whisper. "The
Colonel 'as chosen this spot to watch 'is troops."
"But Michelle," Edith was worried. "If the Colonel is 'ere, how can the
"It does not matter, I 'ave arranged a diversion. My girls 'ave taken the
last of the exploding christmas puddings from your cellar and are to use
them to blow up the East wing of the Chateau."
"René is at the Chateau!" Hissed Mimi.
"The safe is in the West wing, and if he does not survive, he will be buried
as a 'ero of France. When the puddings explode, the Germans will go to
investigate and we will be able to get the airmen safely aboard the plane."
The Colonel shivered and stamped his feet. He would much rather be in the
nice warm café, preferably looking forward to a visit upstairs with Yvette,
the flying helmet and the wet celery. He looked again through his
binoculars at the comings and goings of the troops and sighed. The Italian
troops were out of position again, but still; at least they were there.
Henriette pushed the last of the puddings into position and attached a long
fuse. She sent the other girls away, and they melted into the shadows in
the grounds of the Chateau. She lit the fuse, ran across the lawn and dived
into the bushes, pressing herself to the ground and covering her ears. She
lay there, panting. After a couple of minutes she raised her head, puzzled.
All was still. She took her hands from her ears and listened. An owl
hooted and then there was silence. She peered over the top of the bush, but
couldn't see any tell tale fizzing glow from the fuse. She knew the
Resistance safety guidelines - never return to a lit bomb - but by now there
should have been an enormous bang. Nervously she crept back to the
explosive. There was a strange smell, rather like...charred fruitcake.
René and Yvette had made it inside the Chateau, and were in the corridor
leading to Gruber's quarters and the safe.
"Oh, René" whispered Yvette, "You are so brave, 'old me to you, press your
lips to mine and reassure me that everything will be alright." She gazed at
"Yvette, we are dressed as German officers, I cannot be caught embracing you
in a corridor. Besides, your moustache is all tickley. You stay 'ere and
watch for me. If anyone is coming, you must warn me so that we can escape."
"Will it not look suspicious if I am just loitering in a corridor? I am
dressed as a Captain."
"Outside the quarters of Lieutenant Gruber? You will not get a second
Michelle was getting worried.
"The explosion should 'ave 'appened by now" she whispered, "what is
"Perhaps there has boon an almeety cick up." Suggested Crabtree,
A loud droning noise could be heard in the distance.
"I say" piped up Fairfax, pulling straw away from his mouth in chunks, "that
sounds like a plane."
"I can 'ear a plane" chipped in Edith.
"What did she say?" asked Carstairs.
"I don't know, I don't speak a word of the language. This straw's getting
up my nose. I think I'm going to sneeze." Gasped Fairfax in reply.
"I say, you chaps, keep it down back there!" Ordered Michelle in English,
before switching back to french, "I think we 'ave a problem."
Helga was not enthralled by the spectacle of the troops on manoeuvres.
Besides which, she didn't have any binoculars. She wandered over to the
staff car and perched on the bonnet, looking up at the stars. The Captain
and the Colonel were arguing over where the Italians should actually be and
Lieutenant Gruber was arguing with Clarence over whether to stick to the
road or risk getting the tank muddy by taking a direct route across a field.
She heard a buzzing noise and scanned the sky above the copse of trees
behind the group of officers.
"Colonel," she said hesitantly, "look behind you..."
A large plane with British markings was flying in low over the trees, and
coming in fast. The Germans, taken by surprise, instantly descended into
chaos. The Colonel shouted at Gruber to shoot at it, while he tried to hide
behind the staff car and slipped, falling face first in the mud.
Captain Bertorelli shouted "I will-a protect the-a beowtiful laydy" and
tried to pull Helga down behind the car, although she wondered about his
motives. All he succeeded in doing was tripping over the Colonel and
pulling all three of them down into the mud. Lieutenant Gruber and Clarence
where trying to manoeuvre the tank to get a better shot at the plane and as
they started to reverse, they sprayed mud over the tangled heap of Colonel,
Captain and Lance Corporal. Helga groaned.
"I think we had better not mention this to General Von Klinkerhoffen,"
muttered the Colonel, "he might not be very pleased."
"I am not very pleased!" Roared General Von Klinkerhoffen, as his staff car
tore up and screeched to halt by the little tank. "You will return to the
Chateau and all report to my office first thing in the morning. The rest of
zis evening is cancelled!"
The little band of farmers working a night shift and their two scarecrows
watched dejectedly as the plane disappeared into the night. The General had
sent the officers away too late for them to be able to bring the plane in to
land. It was as Crabtree had pointed out, "a bot of a bills up".
Yvette tried to look nonchalant as she hung around in the corridor, but she
could hear a lot of noise downstairs. Cars were arriving, orders were being
shouted and there were a lot of people moving around. She sidled over to
the door to Gruber's quarters and said as loud as she dared;
"René, we 'ave got to go, the troops 'ave returned early. 'Urry up!"
She could hear people coming along the passage towards her, they must be
nearly at the corner and would see her in only a few minutes. She hurried
away down the hall and selected a door at random. She was in a large, dark,
empty bedroom. Voices and footsteps echoed down the corridor outside and
panicking, she looked around for somewhere to hide and noticed the big
wardrobe. She climbed in and quickly pulled the door to.
Helga stomped into her quarters. She hated manoeuvres at the best of times;
she was muddy and she had missed a date with Herr Flick. She crossed to the
window, drew her curtains closed and threw her helmet into a corner. She
loosened her jacket and pulled out her hairgrips. As her long blonde hair
fell over her shoulders, it glinted in the light where it was kinked from
her tight plaits. She pulled off her tie and jacket and unbuttoned her
blouse. Gradually revealed as she removed her uniform was a black silk
basque, decorated with jet beads and tightly laced. Glistening at her neck
was a matching choker.
René panicked. He had heard Yvette's warning and could hear people moving
around and getting closer. He wondered, briefly, what had happened to
Yvette, but decided he couldn't risk leaving the way he had come in. He
looked out of the window. It was high up, but the wall was covered with
ivy. He hesitated. It was very high up. The door opened.
"Who is there?" demanded Lt Gruber, querulously, as he spotted the officer
silhouetted at his window.
"Lieutenant, I can explain." started René as he spun around.
"No explanation is necessary, René" replied Gruber, his voice changing from
an irritated high-pitched bark to a suggestive drawl. He quickly shut the
door and smiling his little lop-sided smile, he beckoned René back in to the
room. "Let me get you a drink."
"Thank you Lieutenant, but I really shouldn't stay." René protested.
"Please, call me Hubert." He glanced at René appraisingly as he removed his
hat and gloves. "That uniform suits you René. You won't be able to leave
yet; the Chateau is crawling with soldiers. What would be said if strange
officers were seen leaving my quarters? No, you must wait and slip out
later, when it is quiet." Gruber took René by the arm and drew him away
from the window, then he shut the curtains.
Yvette could hear someone moving around in the room outside. The stuffy
darkness of the wardrobe was claustrophobic, but she pressed herself further
back, behind the coarse uniforms and pulled a heavy greatcoat in front of
her. She jumped, startled, when the door was opened. The coat was snatched
away, as an angry voice demanded:
"What do you think you are doing? If that is you Captain.who are you?"
Helga was more than a little surprised to find an unknown, rather nervous
looking officer hiding in her wardrobe. Yvette stumbled into the room.
"I am sorry, Lance Corporal, please, I." she stuttered, not quite sure what
"You are a woman!" Helga frowned and leaned closer to her. "Yvette, from the
café with a false moustache! Why are you dressed as a German captain, and
why are you hiding in my wardrobe?"
Gruber turned from the window and looked at René, who was standing
uncomfortably in the middle of the room, looking trapped. He moved closer
"René, you know that I.have feelings for you. I have always wanted us to be
alone like this."
"I know Lieutenant."
Gruber removed René's hat. Their eyes met. Hubert took a step closer to
him and, slowly, he pressed his lips to René's. The kiss lasted only a
couple of seconds, but to René it was a revelation. He knew something that
he had never before allowed himself to realise. He had avoided the
Lieutenant's advances because he was afraid, deep down inside, that he would
enjoy the embrace of another man. This time, he instigated the kiss. As
René kissed him, Gruber took René in his arms and pulled him close, pressing
his tongue into René's eager mouth.
Helga reached out and tore the false moustache from Yvette's lip.
"Oow!" Gasped Yvette, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Tell me why I should not have you arrested immediately." Demanded Helga.
"If I was questioned I might reveal the whereabouts of the Fallen Madonna
which you plan to sell after the war and split the proceeds with the Colonel
and Lieutenant Gruber. Also, I know about the forgery for Hitler and the
forgery for Herr Flick, which he thinks is the original that you will sell
and share with him after the war."
"True. But since General Von Klinkerhoffen thinks that he has sold the
original he will not believe you." Helga smiled. She had always been
attracted by power and therefore, particularly with Herr Flick, she had been
submissive in her relationships. Here, she was in a position of power, and
she was enjoying it. "So, what should I do with you?"
Yvette could think of a hundred and one things that she would like Helga to
do with her, and she blushed and looked away. She had been attracted to
Helga ever since Lieutenant Gruber had stolen her uniform and Helga had
arrived at Café René dressed only in her underwear, greatcoat and tin
helmet. Yvette had been a little surprised by her reaction to the sight of
Helga standing up, throwing off her coat and shouting at General Von
Klinkerhoffen, before storming out. She had known that she was attracted to
women, but had never thought of Helga that way before. Helga watched Yvette
blush and look away. She stepped closer to her, lifted her chin and studied
her face. Yvette felt her heart pound. Her breathing quickened. She was
conscious of Helga's closeness to her; the touch of her fingers on her face
seemed to fill her senses. Her lips parted. Helga leaned over to her, her
lips almost touching Yvette's, then she drew back and walked away, leaving
Yvette confused and longing for the kiss that had been promised and denied.
"You will be in trouble for impersonating an officer." Helga spoke quietly
as she turned back to face Yvette. "Remove that uniform."
Gruber smiled to himself as he helped René out of the Colonel's uniform,
allowing his hands to linger on René's body. Much as he had longed for this
to happen, he had never truly believed that he would be in this situation.
He savoured René's acquiescence and obvious excitement, following each
stroke of his fingers with a gentle kiss. It was almost as though he had to
keep in contact with René to reassure himself that this was actually
happening. René thrilled to the Lieutenant's touch. Every lingering caress
and touch of his lips felt as though it burned into his skin.
Helga watched as Yvette stripped off the Wehrmacht uniform. Outwardly she
was serene, almost uninterested, but inside she was longing to go to her,
tear off her clothes and roughly possess her. She admired Yvette's body; her
breasts were large but firm, with hard nipples pressed tightly against the
shimmering cream silk of her camisole. Her legs were long and inviting in
their black silk stockings, revealed as Yvette took off the highly polished
boots and rough army trousers. Yvette, for her part, was feeling lost. She
was used to being in control sexually. In her relations with the officers
that she 'entertained', they felt desire for her, while she felt nothing for
them. With René, the desire was mutual. Helga's ambivalence left her
feeling out of her depth and unsure. She knew that she was attractive, but
unsettled by Helga's calculating gaze and her own desire for her, she was
embarrassed. She stood looking at the floor, trying to ignore the almost
irresistible sight of Helga in her dramatic underwear.
"Come here." Instructed Helga with the commanding tone, if not the volume,
usually reserved for ushering people into the Colonel's office. She turned
her back on Yvette. "Untie me."
Yvette fumblingly released the laces on Helga's corsets and ran her fingers
over the marks denting the pale skin of her back. This provoked the first
reaction that Helga was unable to control. Yvette felt the sharp intake of
breath, almost a flinch, at her touch. This reaction restored Yvette's
self-confidence. She brushed aside Helga's hair and kissed her shoulder,
running her hand down Helga's back and gently around her waist. Helga
turned in her embrace and they kissed.
* * * * * * * * * *
Yesterday's fiasco was not the most successful of Michelle's mad schemes.
The airmen failed to meet the plane, the girls of the Resistance failed to
blow up the Chateau and I failed to steal the plans for the invasion of
England. But, despite the fact that the airmen are still 'anging around my
café and the fact that Michelle was attempting to blow up the Chateau with
me inside it, this morning you do not find me in my usual agitated state. I
will explain. For once, I rather enjoyed our furtive escapades, and
Lieutenant Gruber 'ad a smile on 'is face when 'e smuggled me out of the
Chateau late last night. Yvette did not make it back to the café until
early this morning and 'as said very little about what 'appened to 'er,
except that she took refuge in the wardrobe in 'elga's quarters. I can
think of worse places to 'ide, but I cannot 'elp feeling that she is 'iding
something. I am going to attempt to get it out of 'er later on, if I get a
chance. 'opefully, Edith will be off to visit the butcher with the big
chopper and she is always there a little while.
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