|TITLE: Dark Blue Reflections
DATE: 23rd April 2000 (July 1995)
E-MAIL ADDRESS: TarlanX@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: WWOMB - Yes. CKoS - Yes. Britslash - YES.
Elsewhere please ask.
WEB SITE: http://www.chaelyndra.com/tarlan
SPOILER WARNING: None.
CONTENT WARNING: m/m sex and some swearing. If this isn't your
scene then don't bother reading on - you know where the DELETE key
is. You have been warned.
COMMENTS: This story was originally published by Crevichon Press
in 'Uncharted Waters' and I've bravely decided to release it with
only slight amendment!! Feedback is always appreciated. Flames
will be circulated around so we can all have a good laugh at
*your* expense so if you don't want the publicity...
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is the sequel to 'Blue Movie' which was
originally printed in 'Uncharted Waters 13'. This story can be
found at http://members.xoom.com/and_dungeonand
@@@@@@@@ denotes a flashback scene.
DISCLAIMER: Inspector Monroe, Detective Chief Inspector Meadows
and all other 'The Bill' regulars belong to somebody else. No
copyright infringement intended. Any characters you haven't heard
of before, are copyrighted to me.
SUMMARY: When a ghost from the past takes Monroe hostage both
Monroe and Meadows are forced to reflect on their own recent
past... and a possible future.
Dark Blue Reflections
|"I met the guy at the pub. I was on my own and he came over, I
suppose to get away from that rowdy Millwall pack who were
propping up the bar. I was a little wary at first, in case he was
spoiling for a fight - a bit of queer bashing - but he just sat
himself down and we started talking. He seemed okay, pleasant
enough sort of chap if a bit nosy but, what the hell, I'd nothing
better to do....and I wanted some company. Certainly wasn't
interested in going home to watch the Old Man snoozing in front of
"Did he give a name?"
David Cadwell reached for the strong black coffee and took another
mouthful. He shook his head slowly as if trying to recapture the
"Belcher? Belster?... Geoff... I don't know, it was something like
that. He didn't want to talk about himself but he got me talking
about 'dear Papa'. Seemed totally entranced with my description of
the Old Man, hanging on every word. Said he'd like to meet him.
Said he was just the kind of person he needed but he didn't say
what for. Not that I had any intention of taking him home with me,
although the thought did cross my mind. That would've shocked the
Old Man. He doesn't know..."
Meadows nodded to Tosh Lines as the voice trailed off. The other
detective quickly left the room to start a computer search for the
identity of their hostage-taker. When PNC had finally come back
the search for 'Michael Cadwell' had come up negative. Meadows
hoped that would not be the case this time.
David Cadwell looked up with remorse written across his pale
features and snorted in self-derision as he recognised the sudden
empathy in the face across the table from his. Meadows was well
aware of the pressure an over-bearing father could exert. He had
spent most of his life trying to please his own father by
pretending he was a normal heterosexual male while secretly living
a separate existence among the homosexually inclined. His first
wife had learned of his double-life and had divorced him on
grounds of adultery. Fortunately, she had cared enough not to
specify the name and gender of his partner. In exchange he had let
her take the house and their son without a fight. He wondered
whether his second wife would be as generous if she found out. He
smiled deprecatingly, perhaps she already knew about Burnside and
the others but couldn't care less. She needed him just as much as
he needed her. She was a divorcee and she brought with her two
children from her previous marriage. He was her meal-ticket. He
provided the roof over their heads and the clothes on their backs.
She? Well, she gave him the respectability - the camouflage - of a
married man. At least there were no children of his own from this
David Cadwell looked up from where he had been gazing
introspectively into his cup of black coffee to find compassionate
blue eyes in a pleasant, older face still fixed upon him. He
blushed as an erotic thought pushed into his alcohol hazed brain
but then remembered where he was and clamped down hard on himself.
"I guess I was pretty drunk but he - Geoff - seemed really pissed
off when that fight broke out, especially when the Police arrived
and dragged me out too."
The young man's expression turned earnest.
"I wasn't involved in the fight. Suppose I was just in the wrong
place at the wrong time. Is there anything you can do?"
"Maybe. I'll look into it."
Meadows nodded at Bob Cryer who was waiting quietly by the door.
The Sergeant quickly took control of the prisoner to lead him out
of the office and back to the cells.
Meadows rubbed his temples, acknowledging for the first time the
headache brought on by the additional stress and tension. Grieg
had informed him of the crash and raised voice sounding from
within the room but no amount of pleading had gained any response.
//If only I knew you were alright.//
He closed his eyes and allowed his memory of Andrew Monroe to re-
surface as it had several times each day for the passed three
weeks. The sight of the normally austere and granite-faced
Inspector reduced to a passionate and wanton state had aroused him
beyond anything he had ever felt before. He bit his bottom lip as
he remembered the hot, sensuous mouth clamped against his own
while gentle yet insistent fingers carded through his hair and
across his naked back.....
The video camera had ceased to exist, the only reality the hard
body arched against him and the lean thighs wrapped around his own
as he sank into the heat of Monroe's body. He had come too quickly
but with an intensity that dragged a guttural cry from him then he
had slumped against the sweaty body, his lips and teeth grazing
the vulnerable throat as his lover gasped for breath following his
own tumultuous release. Meadows' mouth travelled along the strong
jawbone then back.
As the harsh breathing faded, he continued with his investigation
of the other's mouth and he had smiled against the soft, pliant
lips as he recognised the stickiness between them, amazed that he
could have drawn such a response from the man beneath him. One
hand stroked along the silky flank while the other followed the
outline of his lover's ear across the top and down to the soft,
fleshy lobe. His mouth had quickly moved to explore this new
territory, sucking in the soft skin and gently licking, his lips
widening into another smile when he felt a new hardness forming
against his abdomen as his lover reacted to the stimulation.
Looking down into an open expression of trust had brought an
incredible feeling of protection erupting to the surface and
Meadows found his breath catch in his throat as he recognised what
had been offered so freely. He frowned, his eyes turning aside in
disgust at his own inability to control his errant emotions. He
had never stopped to consider Andrew Monroe. Had he hurt him?
Fingers clutching at the short hair at the nape of his neck tugged
gently to raise his head until their eyes met and Meadows smiled
in contentment as he read satisfaction in the intense dark gaze.
He lowered his head, his mouth seeking the softly smiling lips,
his tongue thrusting inside the hot interior. Meadows felt his
heart melt as lust gave way to a deeper feeling that swept over
The remainder of their love making was no less passionate but
infinitely slower and more tender as he took Monroe once again
during those next three hours. Eventually, they ended sprawled
against each other in lazy replete, fully satiated, neither
wanting to break the spell.
It was Monroe who first moved away, his movements slow and stiff,
which was hardly surprising considering what they had done. Monroe
swallowed hard and then brought them back to reality with a bump
as he reminded them both of the video tape that would have run out
more than an hour previously.
Meadows picked up his wristwatch from the beside table and stared
at it. Three hours and twenty minutes had passed since Andrew
Monroe had walked through the door; three hours and twenty minutes
that had changed everything he had previously thought of the other
man. Gone was his impatience with the seemingly intractable
officer as he recognised his own error in mistaking inflexibility
with commitment to the officers under Monroe's supervision. Monroe
was, if nothing else, a man who took his duty seriously and that
duty included protecting his people even from his own superiors.
The fact that they were sharing this bed was testament to that and
Meadows wondered whether Jim Carver would ever realise the lengths
Monroe would go to preserve his own sense of justice.
He watched as Monroe climbed out from beneath the tangled sheets
with a small grimace of discomfit. Meadows sighed. He had promised
he would be home before midnight and he would be cutting it fine
if he left immediately but he desperately wished he could pull the
other man back down against him and continue with the delicious,
slow love-making until dawn - and beyond.
"I have to go, Andrew. Will you be alright?"
"I'll be fine. I'll just have a shower, and then I'll be off
"If you're sure...?"
Monroe turned until his dark eyes captured the blue of his
companion, a small gentle smile lighting his features, offering a
tantalising glimpse of the lust and tenderness that had flowed
through their love-making.
"I'm sure. Off you go, Jack."
Meadows watched as the man walked stiffly to the bathroom and
listened to the sound of the shower starting before turning his
attention to getting dressed.
He paused for a moment by the door, wondering whether he should
wait for Andrew before leaving, not wanting to walk away without
some last parting gesture but what was there left to say. He
closed the door gently behind him and wandered down the impersonal
corridor with his thoughts still hugging the surprisingly lithe
body of Andrew Monroe.
The house had been very quiet when the taxi pulled up outside his
home although he could see the tell-tale flicker of light from the
television filtering into the darkened hallway. Her kids would be
in bed by now, their mother all comfortable on the settee wrapped
in a thick dressing gown with a cup of hot chocolate, watching
some documentary or film while she waited for him to come home.
He drew a deep breath as he pushed open the front door and smiled
wistfully. He could still smell Andrew's after shave and the musky
scent of their love-making. That thought filled him with
consternation; perhaps he should have showered. Well, it was too
late now as a soft voice calling his name drifted from the lounge.
His heart seemed to sink in disappointment, his mind recalling his
name cried over and over in a deeper, gentle Midlands accent as he
plunged into the tight centre of hot flesh.
Sleep seemed impossible. His arms ached to reach out and gather in
the warm body next to him but he knew they would not encounter the
muscular frame that he suddenly craved. He drifted in and out of a
sleep laced with the taste of coffee and whisky from a hot,
As the sky began to lighten Meadows found himself wide-awake with
his mind re-living the previous evening and the events leading up
to it. He sighed in exasperation as he wished he could have joined
his lover under the invigorating spray of the shower. That was
when it hit him for the first time. Was Monroe his lover? It was
never supposed to have happened like that; some mutual
masturbation and a few passionate kisses were all that were needed
to complete the assignment. Instead they had..... What had they
//What have I done?//
Meadows turned restlessly onto his back and stared up at the
ceiling. It was supposed to be an assignment not an assignation.
Monroe was a happily married, family man not a... Christ! His
thoughts churned onward and inward sending his stomach twisting in
guilt and horror. What a fool he had been; what a fool he still
was, dreaming of strong, gentle fingers and compassionate, dark
eyes. Compassion? Yes, it would be just like Andrew Monroe to
carry on with the pretence out of compassion, not wanting to
embarrass his superior for his over-enthusiastic approach to the
assignment. Meadows turned again beneath the covers.
"Can't you sleep, Jack?"
"I'm sorry, love. I've got a particularly aggravating case on my
mind. Look, there's no point me lying here keeping you awake as
well. I'll get up and catch up on some paperwork. Perhaps get into
Sun Hill early today."
As he stood in the bathroom gazing at his sleep-deprived
reflection, Jack Meadows felt a new knife twist in his gut. Monroe
could have stopped what they were doing at any time. Most
certainly, he could have refused to be taken so why did he allow
it to happen not once but twice? Other questions raised
themselves, demanding to be answered. Who was the officer at Gold
Lane who committed suicide after being accused of being Gay by the
then Inspector Singleton and why did Monroe take it so personally?
Was that officer Gay? Was Monroe his lover? Was all of this just
some elaborate plan concocted by Monroe to exact revenge on
Singleton? Or was Monroe working for Singleton? Was this a set up
to expose him to Singleton's blackmail... No, he could never
believe Monroe condoned Singleton's actions. But what if Monroe
was Gay? What if this whole affair was just a charade, a ruse to
get him into Monroe's bed? But if that were true then why him -
unless Monroe had a thing for senior officers?
By the time he reached Sun Hill, Meadows believed he had found the
true reason for Monroe's erotic behaviour; a motive he did not
like one tiny bit. Tiredness, fear and confusion ruled as he
confronted Monroe with what seemed a far more plausible
explanation than the plain truth. It was easier to believe he had
been used, that Monroe had set up the whole operation to fulfill
his own carnal desires rather than accept the truth that within
three hours and twenty minutes he had fallen in love with the
innocent Andrew Monroe.
How he regretted those words once a decent night's sleep and a
modicum of common sense had seeped into him. How he wished the
Earth would swallow him up as surely as it had moved on that
evening. How was he supposed to make amends?
The sound of the door opening dragged Meadows back to the present.
Lines flapped several pieces of paper but the triumphant gesture
was ruined by the grim expression.
"Geoff Belstert. He's on the run from the Midlands after escaping
from Psychiatric Evaluation late Friday afternoon. Some ESSO had
pegged him as not considered dangerous despite attacking a priest
and then threatening to top himself. Bob Cryer has confirmed the
identity from the mugshot."
"Why didn't we get this sooner!"
"There was a mix-up at Division. ESSOs."
Meadows sighed in exasperation, his contempt mirroring that of his
subordinate. 'Every Saturday and Sunday Off' was a term used to
describe the non-shift workers, mainly clerical, whose
responsibility it would be to ensure that information was
classified correctly and circulated as quickly as possible.
Obviously, someone at Division had screwed up - unless holding a
Police Officer hostage at gunpoint had also been demoted to a
Meadows took the papers and read through them as quickly as
possible, a frown furrowing his brow as his fear for Andrew Monroe
increased ten-fold. If this man was as unstable as the report
indicated then it would be difficult to negotiate with him,
According to the Psychiatrist, Belstert had a death wish coupled
with a fear of stepping into that void alone. Belstert had told
the Psychiatrist he had been searching for someone older and wiser
to cross over with him, to guide him to a better world where his
brother would be waiting for him. The Psychiatrist had labelled
Belstert as either delusional, schizophrenic or possibly
psychotic, the exact nature of his mental condition to be
determined after further examination. However, he had noted in the
psychiatric evaluation that Belstert was capable of uncontrollable
rages and should be considered a danger to society.
Meadows took a deep breath as everything fell into place with
horrifying clarity. Perhaps Belstert's original intention was to
follow David Cadwell home to his overbearing father with the
intention of letting the elder Cadwell be his 'guide'. His profile
implied that he would have quickly become enraged when David
Cadwell was taken away from him. He could have followed the wagon
to Sun Hill in order to get him back. Unfortunately, once at Sun
Hill he had found another surrogate guardian to lead him to the
afterlife: Inspector Andrew Monroe.
Jack Meadows breathed a silent prayer and began to wrack his brain
over how he was going to free Monroe from that room when every
known tactic demanded some small amount of reasonable behaviour
from the hostage taker.
He shoved himself out of the chair and headed out towards the
closed door of Interview Room 2 closely followed by Tosh Lines.
"You've got a nice voice. Soft, like my brother's."
Monroe froze as he wondered how he should react. It was obvious
Belstert was unstable and there was no safe way to deal with
someone suffering from the kind of violent mood swing that had
already been displayed to Monroe's cost.
"Talk to me, Andrew."
"What do you want me to say?"
Monroe winced as the talking increased the dull ache that
stretched across one side of his face from ear to nose.
"Do you know why you can't remember me?"
"No, I don't know why."
"It's because we only ever met once before, a long time ago but I
remember you. When your constable gave me your name outside I
hoped it would be you... but don't worry, we'll have eternity to
get to know each other better."
Monroe swallowed hard. He tried to drag this long forgotten face
to the surface but there was nothing to latch onto, instead a
darker picture formed in his mind. Was this man planning some
bizarre death pact? Grimacing at the pain that flared and at the
nauseous feeling that accompanied his still slowly spinning
senses, Monroe closed his eyes for a moment but opened them again
as a new word crept in; concussion. He had to stay awake and
aware, that's what it said in the book, but he could not prevent
his thoughts from drifting back to a time when he had felt so
wonderfully safe and secure, held within the strong arms of Jack
Andrew Monroe stretched languorously against the strong frame that
lay alongside him, his lips curling into a lazy and fulfilled
smile as his mind relived the pleasure of their coupling. He
wished they could stay that way forever but time was against them.
Eventually he submitted to reality and pulled away from Jack,
grimacing as a deep, dull ache spread through his thighs and
buttocks. He had never been taken before, had never slept with
another man, yet the experience had felt like 'coming home' after
a lifetime in exile. He had taken a long shower, luxuriating in
the flow of hot water over still achingly sensitive flesh, his
mind supplying ghost sensations of his lover's caresses as Monroe
massaged quivering muscles with lathered soap.
When he stepped out of the shower part of him was hoping to find
Jack Meadows exactly where he left him; sprawled across the double
bed with the covers caught around one leg, his now flaccid organ
lying against one soft, pale inner thigh but the room was empty,
only the crumpled bed, two plastic cups and an almost empty bottle
of Whisky left to remind him of Jack.
He seated himself of the edge of the bed, rubbed his hair
vigorously and then let the towel drop from his fingers, oddly
reluctant to pull on the clothes until he remembered how many of
the items had been peeled off him. He handled each garment gently
as he dressed, recalling strong fingers tugging at the snow white
tracksuit bottoms and tight white briefs. Monroe found the deep
red singlet at the foot of the bed where it had been discarded
and, as he pulled it on his fingers re-discovered the SOS
medallion, remembering the way Jack had teased him about non-
regulation jewellery. Eventually he was fully dressed but still
reluctant to leave the hotel room.
Monroe sighed and poured out the last of the Whisky, grimacing as
the fiery liquid burnt its way down his throat and into his
stomach. He groaned. There was nothing outside of that hotel room
for him except a dead marriage and the Job but Jack had shown him
that there could be more to life - if he had the courage to do
something about it. With that thought to sustain him, Monroe
swallowed the last of the Whisky, replaced the cup and left the
Monroe grimaced in self-deprecation. Three weeks had passed since
then and he had done nothing, preferring to avoid Jack Meadows and
wishing he could deny what had passed between them. However, he
could not prevent his inner self from wanting more than just that
one night. When he dared to sleep his dreams were filled with soft
lips nuzzling his throat while strong hands held him tightly as
silk-covered steel pressed deep inside him only to pull out before
plunging back into his eagerly waiting body. He would whimper as
muscles quivered and tightened against the invading flesh,
heightening the pleasure that seemed to extend towards eternity.
He would awaken with a gasp, his own flesh rigid with desire for
the supple fingers or sensuous mouth that would have brought him
to an explosive climax.
As the days turned to weeks thoughts of Jack Meadows pervaded his
waking hours, taking away his appetite until he berated himself
for acting like a love-lorn adolescent. Several times recently he
had tried to dredge up the courage to approach Meadows but a
sideways glance along a crowded corridor and a few hesitant words
across a table in the Canteen were hardly progress especially as
he had looked away in dread on each occasion, afraid to find no
spark of interest in those blues eyes yet terrified of revealing
the depth of longing in his own. The one glimmer of hope had been
Meadows' sharp intake of breath when their fingers had touched
whilst handing over a report. Monroe wanted to believe it had been
caused by lust rather than abhorrence for he knew Jack was no
stranger to men.
Alistair Grieg had reclaimed his position outside, talking every
once in a while in his soft Scots accent then placing his ear up
against the door to try and overhear any noises from within that
might indicate whether Andrew Monroe was still with them. He
glanced at his watch. Less than an hour had passed since the man
first entered Sun Hill yet he felt as if he had been standing
outside that room for most of the night.
He looked up at his superior, noting the additional lines of
stress around the pleasant face. It was no secret that Meadows and
Monroe had been involved in some undercover operation that had
left both feeling vulnerable. The ensuing row in the Gents
cloakroom was still a topic of conversation around the station.
Grieg had been filled in on most of the details when he arrived
back from his holiday by George Garfield who often related how he
was ordered out of a cubicle by Meadows in a voice that demanded
instant obedience. Whatever Monroe had done to incur Meadows'
wrath was a matter of heated debate and the betting had quickly
started over who would walk away from that showdown in one piece.
As it was, Bob Cryer had stepped in and ended it. The changing
room gossip about the incident had all but disappeared since then
but Alistair Grieg wanted to know what had caused such a rift
between the two men, not that they had ever seemed that close in
the past. He had watched them both over the last two weeks, the
sideways glances, the strained conversations over lunch in the
canteen, and had reached the only possible conclusion, improbable
as it seemed, that something had happened that they were too
embarrassed or too afraid to discuss even with each other. Grieg
hoped he was wrong about Meadows and Monroe, that his overactive
imagination had got the better of him but, deep down, he knew he
was right. Jack Meadows and Andrew Monroe had recent history of a
personal nature. That conclusion brought him extra concern as he
read through the psychiatric report that was thrust into his
hands. The SO19 negotiator had heard the muffled sound of an angry
voice followed by the crash of a chair over ten minutes ago and
nothing else since. What if Andrew Monroe was hurt - or already
dead? How would Jack Meadows react? Grieg was not sure whether
Meadows would be able to forgive himself for not straightening
things out between them should something have happened to Monroe.
"I want to try and talk to him."
Grieg nodded and moved aside to allow his superior to get closer
to the door.
"Geoff Belstert. Geoff, we know who you are..."
Monroe sank deeper into his own thoughts as he imagined a reunion
with Jack Meadows. He felt a strange warmth swelling deep inside
him from the pit of his stomach, creeping slowly over his groin
and inner thighs until it filled his entire being. Monroe
visualised his mouth seeking out Jack's, their tongues battling
idly against each other, his legs wrapping tightly around the
other as their engorged flesh lay trapped and sensitive between
their closed-pressed abdomens. He bit into his bottom lip, his
head falling back as desire swept through him, feeling strong
fingers dig into his ass, forcing their bodies together,
increasing the friction as their souls soared towards that final
moment of annihilation only to be re-born as they fell back into
Monroe opened his eyes wide in shock as he caught the barely
audible sound of Jack's voice drifting through the door from the
hallway beyond. He stared at Belstert as the room blurred around
him and an image of another young man formed; the pale blue eyes
shining up at him in gratitude through a dirty face. The image
faded as his sight came back into focus to find the other had
drifted off into his own quiet world, mumbling words of
reassurance to some unknown person and with sudden realisation,
Monroe knew the time to move had come, the one chance he had of
ending this before he said or did something that would cost him
his life. Not allowing himself to think of the consequences, he
leapt forward and grabbed the gun with both hands, managing to
force the weapon away from his face just as Belstert's finger
twitched on the trigger sending a round searing across his upper
arm before thudding into the far wall. Belstert gained his feet,
easily overpowering the injured Police Officer, his face a mask of
insane anger as he pushed Monroe back and levelled the gun.
The sound of a gun shot penetrated the solid wooden door and
stopped Meadows' heart. In his mind's eye he could visualise only
one scenario, his lover lying dead or dying in a pool of blood
and, in that moment, he knew he could not face a future without
Andrew Monroe. His heart took another beat as he clearly heard his
name but the terror in the voice sent a message to his limbs that
bypassed the common sense chip in his brain. Andrew needed him
now. Alistair Grieg barely had time to take a step back from the
door as the smaller yet more solidly built frame of his superior
officer crashed against the panel with a strength borne out of
desperation, splintering the frame and slamming the door inwards.
Within seconds Meadows had crossed the room with the others close
behind, oblivious to the gun that had swung towards him. He
knocked the weapon flying from Belstert's hand but wasted no more
time, his mind already frantic with the need to hold Monroe. Tosh
Lines and Tony Stamp grabbed hold of Belstert and dragged him away
from his intended victim while Alistair Grieg and Steve Loxton
could only stand in the doorway and watch in stunned silence.
Neither had anticipated Meadows desperate reaction to that frantic
call especially Loxton as he had never noticed any familiarity let
alone any of the tension that had hung between the two men over
the passed few weeks.
It had taken only a split second for Meadows to find the huddled
figure. Heedless of the men around him, he dropped to his knees at
Monroe's side and reached for the exposed throat, his body sagging
in relief as he located a strong pulse.
"It's alright, Andy. I'm here."
Meadows inspected the darkening bruise across his lover's face and
only then noticed the blood seeping through the ripped sleeve of
Monroe's standard issue jumper where the bullet had sliced across
"You bloody fool. You could have gotten yourself killed."
But the angry words were softened by a gentle caress and the
frightening knowledge that Monroe's own actions had probably saved
Alistair Grieg stared around the empty Interview Room, his eyes
finding the small bullet hole in the plaster then moving to linger
on the dark blood stain on the floor before he slumped into a seat
at the main table. Although more than an hour had passed, inside
he was still shaking, his thoughts crowding in on him with 'what
ifs': What if Belstert had fired at Monroe? What if he had then
fired at Meadows - and Tosh and...? Grieg knew Jack Meadows had
lost control and had placed more than his own life at risk when he
smashed down that door. This placed Grieg in a difficult
situation. Should he report this to Cato or should he pretend it
Grieg frowned. He had spent plenty of time assessing Jack Meadows
since the man became chief of Sun Hill CID yet still he did not
know for certain whether it was only the thought of Monroe in
danger that had sent him crashing into that room. Had the hostage
been anyone else would Jack Meadows have endangered himself? Or
would he have been more cautious and waited to determine the
outcome of that gunshot?
The Detective Sergeant exhaled sharply. If that was the case then
if it had been anyone other than Monroe, the hostage would have
died. Grieg had just spent the passed 25 minutes talking to the
Psychiatrist about Belstert and what he learnt was more
frightening than the initial pages of fax they had received.
Belstert had become unhinged following the suicide of his brother.
He had blamed himself and was terrified of going to hell for his
supposed crime. In his derangement he had twisted the words of the
Priest and believed that, if he took someone older and wiser with
him, then that person would be able to explain everything to his
brother. He wanted absolution. What had made him more dangerous
was his belief that the Authorities were in league with the Devil,
trying to lock him away where he would not be able to find a
guide. If that happened then he believed he would die alone and
then spend the rest of eternity alone. Geoff Belstert had decided
that his one and only chance for salvation would be to find
someone before the Authorities locked him away.
Grieg shook his head in a mixture of awe and horror as he read the
additional case notes that had been faxed shortly after the
original report. Strange how people's lives could be so
interconnected. Twelve years ago, as a Coal miner, Andrew Monroe
had hauled a new recruit out of a collapsed tunnel following a gas
explosion. Monroe had been presented with an award for bravery in
front of the young man's family which included an impressionable
sixteen year old brother, Geoff Belstert. Two months ago,
following redundancy and finding his wife in bed with his own
brother, Michael Belstert committed suicide. Geoff Belstert had
come to Sun Hill Police station desperate to find a way of getting
to Anthony Cadwell through his son, David. Instead he had found
So why didn't he kill Monroe? He had plenty of time and
opportunity. The Psychiatrist had said there may have been some
spark of sanity left, some survival instinct or some lingering
respect for the man who had saved his brother's life all those
years ago that had kept his finger from pulling the trigger until
that last moment. He seemed to feel it was a good sign, believing
it might be his gateway into the deranged mind but Grieg did not
care too much about Belstert's mental health at this moment; he
had other problems.
The one thing Alistair Grieg did not question was Belstert's
choice of guide. Andrew Monroe, although by no means perfect, was
willing to defend his own people - and anyone else - to the
highest level if he felt they had been treated unjustly. Frank
Burnside had been made of the same stuff but their methods had
differed. Where Burnside would blunder in, all bluff and outrage,
Andrew Monroe would try to reason with those in charge. There were
numerous occasions where he had proved this the right approach by
deflating situations before they exploded without making enemies
of those around him. Although Grieg commended Burnside's loyalty,
he knew, given a choice, he would rather have Monroe fighting his
corner. But none of this explained what had happened to make
Monroe so important to Jack Meadows.
Until a month ago there had been nothing noticeable between the
two men; they barely acknowledged each other's existence yet Grieg
had returned from his holiday to find Sun Hill rife with rumours
but his inquisitive nature had quickly reached a dead end. Only a
handful of people seemed to be involved - Brownlow, Meadows,
Monroe, Bob Cryer and ACC Singleton - and none of those were
likely to talk. However, earlier today June Ackland had let slip
her concern for Jack Meadows and, from the expression on her face,
Grieg knew she was desperate to confide in someone.
A knock at the door brought his head back up and he smiled
reassuringly as Ackland peered around the smashed door frame.
"June. Come in and sit down."
He tried his most pleasant smile on her, hoping she would be
receptive. Alistair Grieg watched as she took a seat opposite, his
sharp mind having already determined the best method of extracting
information. He would appeal to her 'mothering instincts'
especially as he had a genuine reason for needing some guidance.
"June. I'm in a little bit of a dilemma and need your advice."
June Ackland raised her eyebrows in both surprise and interest.
Alistair Grieg was not renowned for taking advice from anyone
below the rank of Inspector. She listened while Grieg recounted
the passed few hours, making her aware of his fear of working for
Meadows, playing on her own sense of fairness.
Grieg watched her face closely as he let her know how easily it
could have turned into a massacre with his own life in the
balance. How could he trust Meadows if the man just leapt into
action without regard for the safety of those around him? What
would happen next time there was a hostage situation?
Ackland shook her head over and over.
"No. You've got it wrong. You know him as well as I do, perhaps
better. He wouldn't react like that normally. This was a one-off."
"Why? Because Monroe was the hostage?"
"I don't understand, June. They are hardly the best of mates. From
what I've seen and been told they've barely said more than a dozen
words to each other since that big argument they had a month back.
Why would Meadows risk everything - and everyone - for Monroe."
"I can't explain. You just have to trust me on this, Sir."
"I can't do that, June. I need more than your reassurance. If this
was just a one-off then I need to know what hold Monroe has over
"I... can't tell you."
"Then there is something."
Grieg watched Ackland closely, seeing the indecision so plainly
written across her face. He wanted to dive in and demand an answer
from her but knew this would raise her defense shields and then he
would gain nothing from her. He decided on another tact.
"I need to know, June, or I'm going to have to have a word with
Ackland looked up in shock. As far as she was concerned Cato was
the last person on Earth who should be told anything about
Meadows, Monroe and Operation 'Other Half'. The man was another
ACC Singleton in the making; an ambitious bigot with little
concern or respect for his fellow officers. She knew he had backed
her into a corner where the only way to protect Meadows and Monroe
was to let Grieg know the truth.
"Alright. I'll tell you everything I know but I need your word
that it will go no further."
"You have it."
From her expression of relief and resignation, Grieg knew had been
right. She had needed to confide in someone and her words,
starting as a trickle, soon poured out. Ackland told him the whole
story just as it had been told to her by Bob Cryer; Singleton's
insinuations about Gays and his plans to ruin Jim Carver's career,
Meadows approach to Brownlow for permission to set up Operation
'Other Half' and Monroe volunteering to play the 'other half'. She
glanced up to watch Alistair's shocked expression as the tale
unfolded; the room at the hotel, the video, Cato's unauthorised
search of the men's locker room and the blackmail attempt on
Monroe which had led to ACC Singleton taking instant early
"There's has to be more to it than that, June. I could have played
Meadow's partner just as well as Monroe."
June swallowed and then looked away. Bob Cryer had told her what
had happened, how they had lost control, forgetting the camera
that whirled away behind the two-way mirror. Her cheeks reddened
in shame as, haltingly, she let him know what she had done; how
she had betrayed their trust by viewing the video.
"And was it true? What Bob said."
She nodded her head too ashamed to meet his eyes. They sat in
silence for a moment longer until Ackland found the courage to
look up, half expecting to find disappointment and loathing on the
Detective Sergeant's face. Instead, she was surprised to find
compassion and a small smile of satisfaction.
"There's nothing more I can tell you."
"I know. Thank you."
"I have your word, though? This goes no further."
Grieg nodded reassuringly and Ackland gave a small smile as she
recognised the truth. It was the reason she had been able to tell
him in the first place. Grieg may not have been her first choice
of confidant but she knew he could be trusted to keep her secret
and this knowledge in combination with her revelation had
lightened the dark guilt that had seemed to consume her.
He waited for her to leave the room before he allowed his own
smile to widen. Meadows and Monroe had fallen in love with each
other - even if they did not realise it themselves. It was so
painfully obvious now he had the full story and Meadows, well, he
had reacted the way he had purely because it had been Andrew
Monroe, his lover, in danger. Grieg took a deep breath and felt
himself start to relax. He had no hang-ups about Gays and knew he
could work within these new guidelines. Meadows and Monroe would
not be the first homosexual couple at Sun Hill.
As far as he was concerned it was safe to say nothing to Cato for
there was nothing to say - but what pleased him most was final
solid confirmation that Jim Carver was Gay. He had suspected as
much following DS Dashwood's transfer to the Fine Art Squad when a
drunk Carver had crumpled into tears on Tosh Lines broad
shoulders. Lines had pulled him together pretty fast telling him
how worthless Dashwood was anyway. Over the passed few years
Dashwood had reappeared on the scene for a few short days and each
time Lines had cursed the man. Grieg now had a good idea why he
should and could not help agreeing with Tosh Lines. Obviously,
Dashwood came back when it suited him and Jim Carver allowed
himself to be used by his ex-colleague and lover.
That thought angered Alistair Grieg more than he cared to admit.
He had been transported to the Casualty Centre at St. Hugh's very
quickly and although he had drifted in and out of consciousness
during the short ride from Sun Hill Andrew Monroe knew someone
Jack trusted was with him. He could remember hearing Jack's voice
asking Bob Cryer to accompany him in the ambulance and, even in
his concussed state, he could appreciate how difficult but
necessary it would be for Meadows to stay behind. Yet Monroe could
still remember the longing and relief in that familiar voice and
feel the gentle reassuring grip of strong fingers wrapped around
his own before he was handed over to the Paramedics.
He had slept most of the day only managing to fight his way back
to consciousness later that evening to find his wife watching over
him. She smiled and kissed him gently on the forehead and, in that
moment, he knew they still cared about each other enough for him
to want her to be free. Now was not the time to let her know but
he had made the decision for both of them and would follow it
He fell back to sleep more at ease with himself than he had felt
in years but whenever he did open his eyes through the remainder
of the night it was to find someone watching over him: Bob Cryer,
Jim Carver, June Ackland, Tosh Lines but never the person he
A hushed yet familiar voice brought him swimming slowly back to
awareness just before dawn as Jack Meadows sent Tosh Lines off to
get a cup of coffee. The DCI gazed over at the restless yet still
sleeping man for a moment before slumping into the vacated chair
and his own thoughts. Alistair Grieg had briefed him on the full
facts surrounding Geoff Belstert and he shuddered as he realised
how close he had come to losing the one person he was willing to
give up everything for. Monroe opened sleep filled eyes, turned
his head towards the tired figure and knew he had found the person
he wanted in his life.
Meadows straightened as his name fell from Monroe's lips as a soft
caress. There was no mistaking the emotion that lay behind that
Without realising he had crossed the room, Meadows found himself
seated on the edge of the bed, his mouth pressing gentle kisses
across the forehead and then trailing down the undamaged side of
Monroe's face until he felt unbelievably soft lips beneath his
own. He licked once along the delicate inner surface before strong
fingers gripped his shoulder, pulling him down into a one-handed
embrace where he breathed a ragged sigh against his lover's neck.
"Back at Sun Hill you called me Andy."
Meadows pulled away slightly until he could meet the dark eyes.
"I'm sorry. I know you prefer Andrew but, whenever I think of you,
of what we shared, I can't help wanting to call you Andy."
The corners of Monroe's mouth lifted as a new warmth spread
through him. Over-familiarity was the reason why he preferred the
more staid 'Andrew'. It was to remind him that these people were
colleagues and superiors, not friends but it was different with
Jack. He wanted to be overly familiar with Jack.
"I like it when you call me 'Andy'."
Meadows smiled and pulled the other into a strong embrace, his
fingers splayed across the broad back, rubbing against the thin
cotton hospital gown until they found a path to warm flesh through
the lightly tied opening.
They remained that way for longer than was wise, seeming to forget
where and who they were just as they had forgotten the video
camera rolling away behind the mirror at the hotel. Eventually
sanity prevailed and they moved far enough apart to read the
obvious desire written in each other's eyes.
Meadows smiled. He wanted Andrew Monroe so very much and now he
knew this feeling was mutual the frustration at not being able to
consummate the love he felt was almost overwhelming. Meadows
raised a hand to cup Monroe's chin so he could take a closer look
at the injured man, his eyes sparkling with affection as the other
turned away in embarrassment. Who would ever believe the seemingly
no-nonsense Inspector could in reality be quite shy, hiding a
soft-centre behind the hard, efficient image he portrayed to the
rest of the world. Meadows turned the face back towards him, leant
forward and placed an infinitely tender kiss on the slightly
parted lips as he remembered how often over the passed four weeks
he had seen Monroe look away from him. All this time he had
believed Andrew Monroe wanted to forget the entire affair, being
hardly able to meet his eyes once the operation had been concluded
successfully. Now he knew the truth and he was not going to allow
this moment to pass.
"I said I would wait for you, however long it took."
Monroe nodded, remembering their conversation in the pub many
weeks ago and he raised his eyes to meet Meadows' in a timid yet
"I won't let you wait any longer."